I met up with QQ on Tuesday. You know, I was thinking, ahh I’ll have lunch with her and we’ll go home early and study and I’ll do my homework like a good girl :) But, when I’m with QQ, nothing goes according to plan! Hahaha! Not that it’s bad, because I sincerely enjoyed every moment of it. I’ve been pretty deprived of her so we just kept talking and talking. We literally talked for like 5-6 hours now that I think about it lmao. But yeah, we just talked and talked and I really didn’t plan on telling her about all these feelings I’ve been welling up inside of me but I ended up telling her haha… I started tearing up, I had to turn away and stare somewhere else hoping that she wouldn’t notice how emotional I felt over it haha.. Funny thing is, I find it hard for me to just let out my emotions and cry when I’m at home but when I think about it when I’m walking down the street, I actually tear up and feel like I’m going to start crying! Why am I so difficult? But I feel much better telling her. I feel like I can accept it better. When I found out how much it impacted me that River & Rainbow (she reminds me of a rainbow <3) had started dating, my heart cried. It felt like it was crying. I guess my heart feels pretty hollow for some reason. I could only describe this experience as to be quite devastating.
I still remember those times when I thought childishly, if River and Peanut were to like me at the same time, who would I choose? Such typical girl questions! Hahaha. But at that time I already knew, I’ve just been running away like I always do. I didn’t really hesitate in choosing, I tried to make myself hesitate but I was just like what am I even doing? Like I could lie to myself without knowing. I chose River. Definitely him. It’s not that I don’t like Peanut. I just don’t think I like him enough nor do I think I really know him enough to like him romantically. You can’t go out with someone online. QQ told me that if you like someone, you would want to see him in real life. Had to add that real life bit because I see him online every week haha. I remember that feeling for River. I always wanted to see him. And when he popped up, I just couldn’t stop smiling. For Peanut, I guess I just don’t really have that excitement. Thus, I’ve always been rather sceptical over this crush of mine. Maybe what I wanted wasn’t a boyfriend, I just didn’t want to be lonely. And Peanut’s existence online soothes me. I don’t need to force myself to talk to him. I don’t have to really think about what I want to say. I just say whatever I want. Like seriously, anything that comes to mind. If anything comes to mind of course since I am still a rather quiet person. But basically, I don’t feel like I need to hide myself from this person. I don’t need to defend myself and even if he doesn’t act like he cares about anything I say, I’m okay with it. Because it’s that kind of relationship. No pressure and no tying down to anything. If he ignores something I said, that’s okay, pretty normal. But I know he reads it. He doesn’t need to show that he read it because I know and he even brings it up later on if it relates to something we talk about later. I guess this relationship works because it’s not really anything even though it is something. But it is also something that will never progress. Which is fine with me. Especially after this River and Rainbow thing.
QQ said she didn’t understand my way of loving someone because she feels that if she knows nothing is going to come out of it, why waste your time? To be honest, I don’t either. I don’t even want to love him in this way, 5 years or however long of this. It was pretty tormenting. But these past two years have been the worse. The worse ever. I know and I knew nothing would come out of it. But I also knew a part of me really hoped that something could still come out of it. I always asked myself if I gave up too easily on that day that he rejected me. I’ve always been asking myself, is it too early to give up? Are my feelings only to this extent? But I convinced myself that giving up was my way of respecting his wish and to protect myself. That’s what I always tried to persuade myself with.
QQ also asked whether River was really worth all that time. To be honest, when I heard it, there was no doubt in my heart at all. He was absolutely worth every bit of my time crushing on him. Hahaha. 5 years or whatever, I would never say it was a waste. Because it definitely wasn’t. The result, of course is important and that’s why I’m hurting right now but all those memories are something I will always cherish. I really really liked him and I can tell you, my heart really did beat faster for him hahaha! That’s also one of the reasons why I was sceptical of my feelings for the Peanut. I usually rely on my heart to tell me whether I really like someone. Whether it’s an attraction or whether I feel like I’m in love. The only two people that I’ve really had my heart beat for was Banana and River. But yeah, who knows, maybe next time I blog, I’ll be like kyaa~ peanut~ Nah, I don’t know. That was a stupid thing to say ahaha. To be honest, I really hoped that I could really love the Peanut. Because liking someone somehow gives me a sense of security, that there’s still something I want to do in life even if everything fails or something. I don’t really know actually but the day I got rejected, I felt like I lost a part of myself. Now, I just sound like some weirdo that’s just gotta like someone! But I really do and I really did want to like Peanut much more than I do in the present. I’m rather disappointed in myself for being so hung up on River. But I can’t help it. I can’t let him go and I don’t know how to let him go. I guess it’s just as QQ says, you never really get over anyone in your life. But maybe my feelings will slowly dissipate knowing that he and Rainbow are together. I think I need to see him together with her in order to thoroughly crush myself. It’s probably the best way. I don’t know whether I have the courage to do this to myself though. I’m such a weak person.