The other day, I went to Merrylands and unexpectedly recalled a memory from 2 years ago. I was walking and then realised it looked familiar. It was that time when I gathered up all my courage and insisted to River that I’d help him prepare food for connect group. I remember him asking me if it was all right and I said yeah of course. Hahaha. I don’t usually impose on another person’s job or things usually because I don’t want to be a busybody so I usually opt out of these things so actually going for this was a rather…different experience. But yeah I remember catching the train and coincidently being in the same carriage as Cheng and after we got to Merrylands, River asked me something like whether I knew Cheng well or something and he said he could tell we weren’t really ‘close’ haha. That’s true. But I just remember it because it was a weird and random question. I wonder if River felt the same way towards our relationship. I guess I wouldn’t consider myself close to River but he definitely wasn’t an acquaintance. Not just a church friend. Not just my sister’s friend. I regarded him as a friend and I hope and in a way it seemed like he did too. Hopefully. But anyway, about this memory. We had to go to Westfields and hahaha. Every time I think about this, it makes me think of it as the one time River seemed more like a kid instead of me. I genuinely thought it was very cute of him. He asked me if I wanted to eat a soft serve and I wasn’t that in the mood to eat it but I was like why not and then when we went to get it, the ice cream machine broke or something hahaha. He was so heartbroken, it was so cute. Hahaha, I’m sorry River, I knew you were disappointed but it was cute. I guess another reason why I remember this is because I actually tried to help out someone for once on my own will. I usually would never offer help unless someone asks for it or if they seem like they want my help so I offer it because they are practically hinting it to me haha. Well, the reason for this is rather complicated since I’ve always been like this. It’s not that I don’t want to help but that I usually bring more trouble than help so I generally don’t offer it. It’s happened many times before so I really don’t have the confidence in helping another person. So gathering up by courage for this really took its toll on me at that time. It was really uncomfortable but I wanted to help. I can’t remember if I was of any help. Probably not since I’m still like this. But I tried. And I tried in other instances but I always end up creating more trouble instead hahaha… This was quite evident in gw2 when we roamed in wvw together for a bit but i’m just not as good of a player as Phil so I get downed or die in crucial times and he would try to save me but then we’d ems up losing against the other party so yeah… I tried but it was hard and he’d rage sometimes too haha! And I guess after a couple of times of that, I just refused and didn’t want to roam with him anymore. I don’t want to be a burden and I have even told him that. So I guess he’s more aware of it and now does things more by himself when it’s important because I’m unreliable haha. And I roam by myself because then, it doesn’t matter if I fight some enemy and lose or not, it only affects me. Maybe this isn’t seen as the correct or a good way to live but I simply don’t have the confidence. I have the confidence that I can live at ease with myself but I don’t have the confidence that I can meet the expectations of others. That’s why I was always so scared of roaming with Phil, I just couldn’t meet his expectations. I’m probably way too negative haha but that’s how I feel and maybe that makes it seem like I don’t care about people sometimes when I just don’t want to be a bother… I wonder… Sorry guys, I’m just lacking the confidence in myself. I make it so hard for myself to believe in others and I also make it hard for myself because I can’t even believe in ‘myself’. How did this memory become a problem with myself hahaha! It was a nice memory! Let’s just leave it that. It was a nice memory!
I ran out of time. Should have focused on the first question instead of the last one. I wasted too much time ahhhh… I really hope I pass. I really really hippie I do. I don’t want to come back to Randwick. I dislike Randwick with a passion so I really really don’t want to come back and… also because I want to graduate with everyone… It’d be so saddening to graduate alone because I failed… Well, I guess if they do honours, their graduation would be delayed haha. But I still hope I pass.
You know what I can’t wait for? When I finish this exam tmr and spend the rest of my holidays watching the rest of the seasons of Sailor Moon (& looking for a job) and playing Disgaea D2, Kingdom Hearts and maybe playing the other FF games I haven’t played again recently :) But I better finish my notes on assault and larceny before I even think about that T__T And then have a few hours of sleep if I’m lucky and then go to my exam :3 yeah, I’ll go back to studying :D
Soo… I downloaded some Sailor Moon music that’s from Sailor Moon Classic and Sailor Moon R which are the first two seasons of the anime. Hahaha, it seems like I’m really obsessed with just listening to music instead of listening to songs. I wonder if this is a good change for me. I still listen to some theme songs in anime like Gundam Seed just because they’re so amazing though so I guess I’m not completely out of the loop… Nah, I am but the thing is, I was never in the loop of mainstream songs in the first place. But I don’t have a place in other genres of music such as techno or classical. I guess this is why I’ve always felt so out of place when people talk about music. I’ve just never really made myself get involved in these and well, I guess I have tried. But, I couldn’t take it haha. It’s so not my type. But the thing is, I’m not interested enough in anime songs to be able to discuss them either. I realised that when I attended SMASH last year and was a part of the trivia team. I’m so outdated with anime that I didn’t know a single answer to the questions haha. So to be honest, when I found the Final Fantasy music on youtube and I got to read comments like “I listen to this when I’m walking to work” or something like that, I feel like it’s all right even if no one understands what I like to listen to because I’m not alone. I know that I shouldn’t be demoralised by things like this as long as I like the music, but you can’t help but feel better when you know that there are other people like you out there. I mean, I’ve felt and seen so many stares and heard so many “oh..” when others know that I don’t care for mainstream songs or that I listen to Final Fantasy music that it just kinda saddens you. It doesn’t make me stop listening to it but I guess I just don’t feel like I belong. So finding somewhere I belong to, even if it’s only online makes me quite happy. But yeah, I really have no idea how I even got into this. Now, whenever I play a game or watch Sailor Moon (hehe), I pay a lot of attention to the background music. I just get lost in it and just forget about actually playing the game or watching the show ahahaha. Ahh that’s right, I’m weird because I like listening to background music from games etc instead of proper songs ahaha! But that’s fine. If this is called weird, I don’t mind being a weird person.
EDIT: I forgot to mention that I found a friend that likes listening to game music as well! When she saw my playlist on my phone and realised what I listen to, she thought it was interesting. Then, she asked me for a Final Fantasy music CD I bought and I have never lent anyone MUSIC before so that was like wow~ And then she told me how she went on a rampage and downloaded so much Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts music and we talked about the funny chocobo theme in FFXIII-2 or FFXIII hahaha. So this can end on a happy note :) I mean, after all, I was really happy :)
So as you know, the more pressure, the more I procrastinate. And so recently, I have become obsessed with…. SAILOR MOON! It should have been pretty obvious huh? But yeah, I watched 14 episodes of the English dub until I just couldn’t take their voices anymore. I wanted to strangle someone! Everyone besides Sailor Moon sounded so annoying! It excludes her because she’s crying all the time anyway hahaha! She’s hilarious though. But yeah, so now I’ve decided to watch the original from the beginning. Glad I am might I add. They skipped episodes in the English one >:( But yeah, the main reason I’m obsessed with it right now is because there are Sailor Moon makeup products and other types of stuff like stationery! So cute! So cool! I already bought the sailor transformation compact gashapon hehehe. I wish the makeup products were available too… I want them so much! But yeah, I’m becoming more obsessed with old anime. I’m trying to finish Gundam Seed Destiny~♥ And I’m reading Rave! I miss Rave so much! I love it way more than Fairy Tail and I love Plue the most! No one can compare to Plue. And I started playing Disgaea D2 as well~ I guess I’m having too many breaks huh…? I really should go back to my assignments… :’(
It pains me how much this is affecting me. I can’t concentrate, I don’t want to concentrate and I’m sad. I talked about it with QQ but I find it so extremely hard to pick myself back up. I was looking for my assignment just then but I couldn’t find it so I felt frustrated. I sat on my bed trying to calm myself down just because I’ve been feeling quite emotional and I looked at my high school diaries. So, I decided to flip through them and I’m such an idiot. I don’t know how many times I said “I will not like the Banana, I won’t fall for Rayj” but I kept seeing that sentence and I just thought to my past self, you’re such an idiot, saying that already means you like them. Well, it was fun and all reading my idiotic adventures until I read the diary entry where I happily talked about how I would talk to Rayj every night and how even I myself thought it was weird that I would talk to a guy every night! Even more than Crystal and them! Hahaha. Those days were truly irreplaceable. It was really fun. Then I happened to read my documentation of what I thought of as one of the most important memories I have of River. But it started making me cry because it was so much more touching than I remember it to be. He told me that if he went to Melbourne, he’d plant a banana tree so that when I come to visit, he can give me bananas to eat. I even wrote that he told me that he wouldn’t let anyone else touch it. My heart just broke and my tears flowed. I’m too naive. This won’t be like how I got over the Banana. This is going to be much harder. Falling in love with someone else would easily be the best way to get over him naturally but this is hard since I’m still stuck in the past. I can see that from how I reacted. Well, at least I finally cried. I can’t stop how much I really want to scream why aren’t I important to you anymore?! Was I important? I really want to believe that I was. You’d talk to me every day. When you were coming back from Melbourne, you texted me at 2-3am telling me that you’d be coming back to Sydney for uni instead. We used to talk about so many stupid things. You even told me to teach you Chinese at one point. Although, I knew everything changed when I offered to teach you that time in uni and you said no. I know I’m so useless to be clinging on to these memories when they don’t even amount to anything in your life right now but if I don’t cling on to this then what am I? What am I supposed to do now? Move on with life? That’s obvious, but living and not being dead is a completely different way of looking at life. What am I even talking about. I’m brooding over this way too much. I can’t let this affect my studies. Tell me what I need to do in order to keep me from thinking about this. Tell me what I need to do in order to stop this from going on anymore. I don’t want this. I don’t want to accept that you’re dating someone else. I don’t want you to forget me. But I have to. Eventually, I will. I’ll probably forget about these feelings one day like how I’ve forgotten how much I used to like the Banana. Time will pass and my heart will change. There’s nothing in this world that won’t change. And if you refuse to change, then this world simply has no place for you, isn’t that right?
I still remember the first time I had a break at uni. I had no idea what to do so I just found random places to sit. I loved finding different places to sit and I usually preferred sitting outside. It’s funny how one of them used to be right outside the Old Main Building where River always was before I even knew he was there. I always thought it was funny. It’s like how he was right next to me but I never noticed. But similarly, I was there right next to him but he never noticed me, not even when I was right in front of him. Anyway, I used to like sitting on the steps on the main walkway as well. It just had this lively but peaceful feel to it. And you’ll never really feel alone since there’s always people walking up and down the stairs constantly. It’s funny how I like watching people but I really hate being watched myself hahaha. I used to always sit at the Quad too. But after I went to the quad at USYD, I decided that the only quad I will ever sit at again is the one at USYD! It’s the most calming and serene place I have been to. There is nowhere else that can compare to how much I would just love to sit there for hours and hours just feeling the breeze on my face and doing nothing. Absolutely nothing at all! I liked that. Sitting outside the CLB (was that what it was called? lmao I don’t even remember) was an experience I shared alone and with Sarah in the past. Those times were nice. I used to blog there too. But now, there’s these cool wooden benches to sit on noww! I love these! It’s right next to the Nura Gili section near the main walkway. What more could one ask for? A nice bench. Nice wind. People walking around so it’s not deathly silent but since everyone is just usually walking in order to get somewhere, there aren’t that many people walking with a friend. You would think that uni would be a loud place but when you really sit next to some places (besides the food courts, when are they not loud?), it’s pretty quiet. I mean I can hear my FF music loud and clear and the volume isn’t even up that high. But I think I’ll sorta miss this place. I do really like sitting down at places like these accompanied with the internet of course hahaha. How can I blog without it ahaha. I’ll miss free wifi at uni. I love listening to FFVII - Sending a Dream into the Universe and Cid’s Theme here, it just brings so much meaning and feelings when i’m listening to it and an aeroplane flies by. Cid’s dream was so beautiful, so pure and so hopeful that whenever I listen to FFVII music and look at the sky, I think of a grand dream. Well, I guess the reason why I am so touched about it is because I want a dream like that. But yeah I think I’ll miss having breaks like these. But I also won’t miss it. They’re rather long. I don’t need a four hour break to take all this in. Well, it’s fine. There’s nothing I can really feel that annoyed about. I take things as they go. I get upset easily but I don’t get angry all that much I think… Oh, besides those guys that give you worthless pile of paper when we go vote. I hate those people with a passion. Just as much as they are passionate about the government and the political parties and all that. I probably hate them as much as they feel passionate for it. Just because they become the biggest pretentious…people. I won’t swear :) But seriously, when I went to vote and they just went all aggressive because I refused their paper, I was just like - -” Idgaf. That’s all I have to say. I’ve decided and your little pestering at the door isn’t going to change my mind. Yeah, sorry. Had to let that out LOL. But yeah, there’s those voting election things in uni today where a lot of people pester you too. At least these I can dodge without a care~ But yeah, nice day today LOL. But a bit windy, the bushfires do seem to be in a rather bad situation right now so I just hope that they’ll take care. One of my classmates was affected by it. Her house is like veryyy close to it. It’s like in her area. I hope she’ll be okay. I wanna go home.
I met up with QQ on Tuesday. You know, I was thinking, ahh I’ll have lunch with her and we’ll go home early and study and I’ll do my homework like a good girl :) But, when I’m with QQ, nothing goes according to plan! Hahaha! Not that it’s bad, because I sincerely enjoyed every moment of it. I’ve been pretty deprived of her so we just kept talking and talking. We literally talked for like 5-6 hours now that I think about it lmao. But yeah, we just talked and talked and I really didn’t plan on telling her about all these feelings I’ve been welling up inside of me but I ended up telling her haha… I started tearing up, I had to turn away and stare somewhere else hoping that she wouldn’t notice how emotional I felt over it haha.. Funny thing is, I find it hard for me to just let out my emotions and cry when I’m at home but when I think about it when I’m walking down the street, I actually tear up and feel like I’m going to start crying! Why am I so difficult? But I feel much better telling her. I feel like I can accept it better. When I found out how much it impacted me that River & Rainbow (she reminds me of a rainbow <3) had started dating, my heart cried. It felt like it was crying. I guess my heart feels pretty hollow for some reason. I could only describe this experience as to be quite devastating.
I still remember those times when I thought childishly, if River and Peanut were to like me at the same time, who would I choose? Such typical girl questions! Hahaha. But at that time I already knew, I’ve just been running away like I always do. I didn’t really hesitate in choosing, I tried to make myself hesitate but I was just like what am I even doing? Like I could lie to myself without knowing. I chose River. Definitely him. It’s not that I don’t like Peanut. I just don’t think I like him enough nor do I think I really know him enough to like him romantically. You can’t go out with someone online. QQ told me that if you like someone, you would want to see him in real life. Had to add that real life bit because I see him online every week haha. I remember that feeling for River. I always wanted to see him. And when he popped up, I just couldn’t stop smiling. For Peanut, I guess I just don’t really have that excitement. Thus, I’ve always been rather sceptical over this crush of mine. Maybe what I wanted wasn’t a boyfriend, I just didn’t want to be lonely. And Peanut’s existence online soothes me. I don’t need to force myself to talk to him. I don’t have to really think about what I want to say. I just say whatever I want. Like seriously, anything that comes to mind. If anything comes to mind of course since I am still a rather quiet person. But basically, I don’t feel like I need to hide myself from this person. I don’t need to defend myself and even if he doesn’t act like he cares about anything I say, I’m okay with it. Because it’s that kind of relationship. No pressure and no tying down to anything. If he ignores something I said, that’s okay, pretty normal. But I know he reads it. He doesn’t need to show that he read it because I know and he even brings it up later on if it relates to something we talk about later. I guess this relationship works because it’s not really anything even though it is something. But it is also something that will never progress. Which is fine with me. Especially after this River and Rainbow thing.
QQ said she didn’t understand my way of loving someone because she feels that if she knows nothing is going to come out of it, why waste your time? To be honest, I don’t either. I don’t even want to love him in this way, 5 years or however long of this. It was pretty tormenting. But these past two years have been the worse. The worse ever. I know and I knew nothing would come out of it. But I also knew a part of me really hoped that something could still come out of it. I always asked myself if I gave up too easily on that day that he rejected me. I’ve always been asking myself, is it too early to give up? Are my feelings only to this extent? But I convinced myself that giving up was my way of respecting his wish and to protect myself. That’s what I always tried to persuade myself with.
QQ also asked whether River was really worth all that time. To be honest, when I heard it, there was no doubt in my heart at all. He was absolutely worth every bit of my time crushing on him. Hahaha. 5 years or whatever, I would never say it was a waste. Because it definitely wasn’t. The result, of course is important and that’s why I’m hurting right now but all those memories are something I will always cherish. I really really liked him and I can tell you, my heart really did beat faster for him hahaha! That’s also one of the reasons why I was sceptical of my feelings for the Peanut. I usually rely on my heart to tell me whether I really like someone. Whether it’s an attraction or whether I feel like I’m in love. The only two people that I’ve really had my heart beat for was Banana and River. But yeah, who knows, maybe next time I blog, I’ll be like kyaa~ peanut~ Nah, I don’t know. That was a stupid thing to say ahaha. To be honest, I really hoped that I could really love the Peanut. Because liking someone somehow gives me a sense of security, that there’s still something I want to do in life even if everything fails or something. I don’t really know actually but the day I got rejected, I felt like I lost a part of myself. Now, I just sound like some weirdo that’s just gotta like someone! But I really do and I really did want to like Peanut much more than I do in the present. I’m rather disappointed in myself for being so hung up on River. But I can’t help it. I can’t let him go and I don’t know how to let him go. I guess it’s just as QQ says, you never really get over anyone in your life. But maybe my feelings will slowly dissipate knowing that he and Rainbow are together. I think I need to see him together with her in order to thoroughly crush myself. It’s probably the best way. I don’t know whether I have the courage to do this to myself though. I’m such a weak person.
So todaayy~ I thought it’d be a normal day… Well, apparently it wasn’t normal because of the sky and everyone’s been saying how orange the sky is and how it looks like the end of the world lol. Frankly, when my classmate was talking to me about how the sky looked weird, I really didn’t think there was anything different. Like, it was orange and all but yeah. Nothing to get worked up about. Then, while I was sitting on the uni benches today, I saw so many people taking photos of the sky haha. Also, as I was leaving, I even had a random lady walk up to me and ask me to help take a photo of her and the sky. Honestly baffled by how people think it’s so fascinating but maybe I’m just a boring person. The moment I looked at the sky and felt the strong wind, I just thought of bushfires. It felt like that kind of weather. Well, whatever makes people happy I guess. I much prefer the blue sky.Don’t see anyone taking photos of that. People just think it’s so fascinating when something unusual happens in the boring everyday life or maybe that’s just me. Well, not that I was really interested. And now I sound so up myself LOL. But I guess it just made me think… People always take photos and notice and appreciate different things that are opposed to the norm much more than the normal every day things. It’s not like the different thing is necessarily better, it’s just different and that makes it sound so saddening. But oh well. That wasn’t why I started this post to begin with but I guess it bothered me when I was sitting down on the benches today watching people take photos of the sky as if it was the biggest thing in the world. I guess that’s when you realise how peaceful your side of the world is. But yeah, I went dumplings today with my sister and a few church friends and it was a normal dinner. Same old dumplings and talk about life. Interesting stuff I guess. Just stuff about how some things can be so unfair. But what can we do. This world wasn’t fair to begin with and it’ll never be. Not being pessimistic, just realistic. We can strive to make it fairer but it’ll technically never be fair. That’s my perspective anyway. But, lol, I still haven’t talked about what I really wanted to talk about when I started this post. The thing is, on the train home, we were talking as usual and one of the church friends is River’s sister and she told us that River is dating this other girl from church! Omgg! Well, more than being shocked that he has a gf, I’m shocked that it’s such an unexpected couple! Hahaha! I never thought the two of them would be together! Now I really want to see them together because I can’t imagine it hahaha. But I do feel kinda bummed out. I mean, I wouldn’t be typing this post if I wasn’t. I know that. I’m not naive enough to think that I’m typing this because I honestly don’t care anymore, I’m typing this because I still care and the only reason I wanted to talk about this here is because if I kept it in my diary, it would sound so secretive and important when it shouldn’t be. But you know, after typing all that, I think I’ll type in my diary after all. It’s not that my feelings for him were as strong as they were before and it’s not like I still thought I had a chance or anything. But, I’ve always wanted to change myself and improve myself for the better, make myself stronger, be more independent and be more like a proper adult and then I can go meet him again and show him that I’m not a kid anymore. He always thought of me as a kid and so I just kinda thought that one day, I could show him that I’m not a kid anymore. He can’t reject me saying that I’m a kid. I know that I’ve been hung up on this for the longest time. But, I just never really wanted to think about it because I thought that River wouldn’t get a gf any time soon. I know, I know. I used to always hope that River could just get a gf so I could get over him but now that I hear that he really has one, my feelings are so mixed. I’m happy for him like honestly. I’m just not happy for myself because I just lost this goal that I’ve always been unintentionally intentionally aiming for. Something that’s always been bothering me. Something that I always wanted to achieve. In the past, I thought that if I went to uni and saw him there, I would be able to show him, I’m not a kid. Then after getting rejected by him in uni, I just had this little flame that was still lit inside of me after that. I wanted to show him in the future that I wasn’t a kid anymore. That he doesn’t have a reason to reject me anymore. I know it’s such a silly thing to be hung up about. But you can’t get over things like this. I can’t anyway. I never really faced reality I guess. I thought that I’d really be able to show him one day. That I’m not that little kiddo anymore. I know that people grow up naturally. I know that people naturally because of the situation and their experiences. I know that. It’s just that whenever I was with River, I wished that I was an adult. I wished that I could be on equal standing with him. But I guess, that’s not really important now. I know that people should grow up and mature for themselves and not for anyone else. But, I’ve been a kid in his eyes for so long, I just really wanted him to see me on the same level for once. I guess I was just never mature enough to overcome the boundaries that come with an age difference. It’s not even a big age difference but the entire perspective of the world is different due to our experiences. That’s how it was and that’s how it is I guess. Well, I’m glad that River is happy with her. I really like her :D
They say that One Litre of Tears would literally make you cry a litre of tears. But, I can tell you that there have been so many instances in manga and anime that have made me cry so much more. Many people think that anime is unrealistic. They think it’s just a cartoon. They say they’re only pictures moving around. They like movies because they’re so much more realistic. They like dramas more because there is real people involved. But that’s insulting the voice actors and voice actresses that put their hearts into anime. When I watch anime, I don’t need to worry about whether their acting sucks. They wouldn’t look fake when they’re acting because it’s an anime. Many people think it’s weird that I don’t like to watch movies or live action dramas. I don’t even really watch HK dramas anymore. Because I’ve realised that what makes something moving and touching isn’t only through watching real people. Watching Gundam Seed reminds me of this. Some people find it stupid to be so emotional over manga or anime. I find it saddening that they don’t understand. The stories and how they portray it are what makes people become emotional over it. I can feel the strong feelings they have even if they’re not physically real. The emotions are real. My emotions are real. The despair, the sadness, the helplessness, the anger, the fear. I hate it when people demean it because they just think it’s a cartoon. I don’t even know how that’s a valid argument! Oh it’s just a cartoon, why are you crying. Oh it’s just a movie, why are you crying?! I don’t see you saying that when you’re watching a comedy. You don’t see me ridiculing you for laughing at staged things. Yet why do people ridicule this? They say that animations can’t show the same amount of depth live action can. I’ll never agree with that. Maybe in showing things like medical operations, yeah, but not in replicating emotions. Voice actors/actresses can be so much more convincing than you think. But yeah, usually, it’s hard to forget movies that move you a whole lot right? I won’t say that movies are shallow because I don’t think that. I just don’t like them. But I do think anime is as realistic even without the presence of real people acting in front of the screen. I’ve been crying a lot these days watching anime and reading manga haha. Deep Love is a heartbreaking manga. So heartbreaking. Kingdom… When Rinko died, I cried a whole lot. I didn’t… sigh. One Piece.. You know, I couldn’t stop crying when Ace died. It still pains me to think about it. I just couldn’t stop my tears. Nana.. The whole manga makes you depressed haha! But that’s why I love it. As for anime, what is the most memorable? I’ve never forgotten how good Gundam Seed is but I have forgotten the story so I’m watching it again. 30 episodes in and I’ve cried so many times. I used to hate Fllay so much in the past but I realised I was just a kid. She may not be a likeable person but she’s really normal. Her situation is understandable. I have to admit, I actually like her. I wonder if I’ll be able to like Shin in Gundam Seed Destiny, I hated him with a passion in the past. Like really hated. Most hated character in my past years of watching anime hahaha! But I don’t remember why so I’ll see what happens. But I think I’ve made my point clear already. I’ve been really disappointed with the anime these days so I guess watching Gundam Seed has really rekindled my love for anime. I hope I’ll be able to love even more of them in the future. But I think I’ll just start with all the old anime I never had a chance to watch when I was younger and all those anime I watched but didn’t really understand. I want to watch them again. Oh btw, I still love Lacus Clyne. Always loved her and still love her. That’s all, goodnight.
This is a question that has been haunting me for a bit recently. I forgot how it popped up but it just did and it hasn’t gotten off my mind since. But this question reminds me of a few people and what I felt about it. I remember Crystal asking me this question a few times saying that she doesn’t believe in it. I guess it might sound ridiculous to believe in fate but to a certain extent, I really do believe in fate. It reminds me of this conversation I had with River in my first year of uni. River was teasing me or something and I forgot how it went but he was sarcastically asking how did I meet this person that was teasing me (which was obviously him) and I said that we don’t get to choose who we meet. Or something along the lines of that. I didn’t even really think of what I said to be anything mind breaking but it seemed to strike something in River and now I’ve never really been able to forget it because of his reaction. He thought it was so true and so did I. In addition, today, I happened to read something about this in one of the manga I absolutely love. Kingdom: “Meetings are up to fate but everything after is up to you” This is exactly how I feel towards the concept of fate. We don’t get to choose who we meet but after we meet them, everything else has got nothing to do with fate anymore. Everything else is based on your actions and what you want to do. That is your choice. Our lives aren’t 2D with a singular plot line, what you do now will dictate what happens later. There’s no such thing as even if I don’t do this, I’ll still get that ending I want. Don’t rely on fate. Rely on yourself. Believe in yourself. I truly believe that nothing will happen if we do nothing and that something will happen as long as we do something. That’s how I feel. I guess.
I remember reading somewhere that if we’re not happy ourselves, it’s impossible for us to make our other half happy. I remember when I read this, I felt selfish for liking someone else because I realised that the reason I so desperately wanted to find someone to like and to become my boyfriend wasn’t because I truly liked them, it was because I wanted someone there that could make me happy, someone that could end up liking me and protecting me. I’m not saying that it’s wrong to look for love like this, but it’s not what I want. It’s not what will make me happy. If I’m not happy myself, how could I possibly expect someone else to fall in love with my smile right? But I guess there are also those instances where people fall in love because they are experiencing similar things in life and are able to connect and heal each other. But isn’t it because one of us harbors hope for the future and is optimistic in the aspects that you can’t that you are attracted to them? Usually, aren’t we attracted to people that are different from us? Attracted to people that can make up for what we can’t do. Not that it’s impossible to like someone that is similar to you. But sometimes, I find myself attracted to that light they exhibit that I could never have. Or maybe not want to have. I’m not really too keen on the idea of the impossible. I know that some things are impossible but I also think that some things are only impossible because we believe it’s impossible. But yeah, anyway, I just felt that, when I’m in love with someone else, I hope that I can be a blessing in their life just as I believe that they are a blessing in my life. When you like someone, it’s usually because you received something from them right? Whether that be a show of their kindness or something tangible, it doesn’t matter, their actions made you think that this person is capable of continuing to give me this sense of happiness. But relationships aren’t only about receiving, it would never work without giving. And that’s exactly what I don’t possess within myself right now. I don’t have the heart to give. I’m really selfish and I know how selfish I am. Also, I don’t know how to give. I’m not sure when I should be giving. Because it’s not natural for me. And because it’s not natural, I’m not capable of truly showing how much I love someone, whether that be friend, family or crush. I find expressing this hard. But what can I say, I hope it comes to me someday. I hope that someday, I can properly show how much I care. I just think that it’s probably too much for the me that can only think of herself as the center of her life. That’s why, it’s usually fine to have a crush, but not a boyfriend. But then again, I don’t know about this stuff. These are just the ramblings of a random in the morning at 8:30am (so early..) that’s on her way to school. Just another normal day.
My bro recently told me that he had crisis core on his PSP. So I thought, why not, I’ll try it. I really shouldn’t have started playing it my goshh! Spent 10 hours on it already! Lmao. Initially, I really thought I wouldn’t like it because I was scared that it might ruin my image of FFVII, but I think it’s fine. I haven’t met Cloud yet but I think it’s fine. I finally met Aeris/Aerith though. I’m going to stick with Aeris, it feels more close and heartwarming when I refer to her as Aeris. I feel so distant with the name Aerith. But anyway, they’re cute :) <3 It’s so cute that the pink ribbon she always wore was from Zack. I like their relationship :) It’s also so cutee to see Yuffie! Hahaha! But I guess, I really like this game for now because I’m really into the past. And I want explanations. How and why did Wutai become what it was in FFVII, what Aeris was like, what Zack was like and what Sephiroth was like. Sephiroth wasn’t always like that. And omg seeing the Turks! I loveeee Reno <3 Seeing that baton, I was like zomggg IT’S RENO! <3 Hahaha! I don’t know why but ever since I was a little girl, I fangirled over him like the most. Not saying that Cloud wasn’t cool and stuff but I loved Reno for some reason. And because I have never been able to forget Aeris and because I really liked her the most out of all the girls (I’m sorry Tifa and Yuffie </3), I really want to know how her relationship was like with Zack. I’ve been curious about it ever since I was a child. I remember stumbling upon Zack’s parents in that random village once. At that time, I didn’t really understand the story but I really wanted to know about this Zack person. I really wanted to know about what kind of existence he was. And I hope to find out more about him in this game. He’s quite lovable right now. Just as Sephiroth is as well ;) Cissnei is prettyyy~ But yes, looking forward to continuing it! Gameplay is average though. Slashing all day, every day. But yayy Zack!~ :D I like him :) It’s also kinda fun to be playing this while sitting near my bro that’s playing FFVII on the PS LOL. I can’t wait to meet Cloud!
It’s so hard to write up a post when you haven’t written one in a while. I have no idea how I should start. Well, the problem is more because I don’t know how I should word my thoughts haha. But anyway. I don’t know how I got on to this topic with my sister, well maybe because my sister’s boyfriend has a younger sister so that’s how it probably came about. Well anyways, my sister was talking about how I should get a boyfriend that has a little sister because no matter what type of person he may seem like, he’ll definitely take care of you properly as a girl because he has experience with a little sister or something along the lines of that. Basically, they’re more understanding and they know how to care for you. For me, I don’t know if this applies to all guys with little sisters but I believe that my brothers are like this. No matter how strong of an appearance they have on the outside, no matter how stubborn they are, they’re more lenient towards me. Hahaha! I’m lucky to have two older brothers. I used to get tricked by my brother that doesn’t really express himself as much. I thought he never cared about me and really disliked me but when things really mattered, he was there to help me. I guess they just expressed their love in a different way. My two brothers express how much they care for me in completely different ways. One would always do little things for me and take care of my daily needs such as food LOL and the other one would take care of me when I need it. He would drive me home if needed and he would feed me too lmao. Okay guys, look for a boyfriend with a little sister and he’ll guarantee to at least feed you for life LOL. I actually don’t mind that though, food is important :3 But I guess I just feel blessed to have my siblings. I’ve heard many stories about others being unable to communicate or get along with theirs that I’ve started to become more appreciative of their existence. I’ve never really thought that it was possible for siblings to not get along with each other or hate each other so it was quite a foreign concept to me. I guess it’s because we take so many things for granted that we start to forget that these things don’t have to be there if they don’t want to. They can leave you at any time but they choose to stay. They could just fend for themselves and ignore you but they don’t. They take on the responsibilities of an older sibling and take care of you because they care about you. So yeah I guess I can’t see a reason why guys with little sisters could be bad. Unless they hate their sisters or something. Nah I don’t know. People interpret things differently from others. Some might take on the responsibility as an older brother and some might refuse to. I wonder if my sister is right in the aspect that guys are always capable of at least taking care of their younger sisters. I hope so. This post came out weird haha! Oh well, warm up I guess. Start off slow :p I’ll probably go back to talking about crap more easily and more naturally after this haha. Hopefully anyway! I could probably talk abo sexual consent actually! Yeah I’ll do that after my essay proposal tomorrow :) I think I’ll have a lot to talk about for that. Be prepared.
In one of the many memories I shared with River, he mentioned many times that the best coffee on UNSW campus was at the cafe near the secondhand bookshop around the bar. Ever since then, I’ve wanted to try it but I also told myself to not because there was no meaning to trying it. It wouldn’t give me the feelings I wanted it to give me. I knew that the coffee wouldn’t be anything special and it shouldn’t be. But then recently, I looked over as usual at the cafe and realised that it closed down and it’s turning into the school for mechanical engineering or something lol. Everything is changing without me being able to catch up. I never had the chance to try it. I never had the chance to understand a bit of what he thought during uni. I guess I just found it a bit saddening. Now it’s impossible. And meaningless ever the more. I guess I was quite shocked that it closed. I did want to try it before I graduate. Sigh. You really shouldn’t leave things you want to do last minute. You really shouldn’t pretend that it means nothing when it does. You really shouldn’t regret not doing anything. You shouldn’t regret your decisions. I guess I don’t. I just find it sad. Nah I’m sad because I didn’t go so obviously I’m regretting it lol. Oh well it’s fine. It isn’t something I should be regretting. But the thing is, who can define what is fine to regret and what isn’t? Why is regret bad? It makes us realise that we don’t want the future to end up like that again and so we regret and try again and do what we really wanted to do. Life is filled with regrets. It just depends on how you look at these regrets. This memory was something small but substantial in my heart but hopefully it isn’t as important anymore. Well, the fact that I talked about it means it’s quite important haha! But that’s fine. A lot of things are still important to me. It isn’t something that changes easily. I understand that. That reminds me, I saw Daniel Yao at Dooleys with his family the other day LOL. It really surprised me haha! He recognises me lol! I’ve never really talked to him before. That was amusing. Church reminds me of River. Sigh. I think the problem is more now that I don’t know how to face God more than River haha but maybe that’s just an excuse. Excuses excuses! Human beings have too many of these! But yeah. Nice memory of the past.
I had a bad dream. I dreamt that I couldn’t breathe. I was suffocating and gasping for breath that I couldn’t find. I tried to breathe by inhaling the air around me but there wasn’t any air to be found. It was like a world without air and I needed air in order to live. It was a weird dream. But much more than weird, it was frightening. I’ve always been one that requiresa lot of air in order to survive yeah that sounds really weird… LOL but it’s the truth. I’m like that. Whether it be when I’m in a car, in a room or anything, I just need somewhere open so I can smell the air and breathe again. To me, cars without their windows open have no air at all lol. It’s weird, I know. Breathing has always been a big problem for me. I hate anything that throws a sudden gush of air in my face like fans. They just feel artificial LOL. Sorry I have no idea where I’m going with this LOL. Basically, I have problems LOL. I guess I just find it hard to breathe in certain circumstances and situations. On another note, I can’t sleep. I’m sleeping 5 hours earlier than my usual sleep time. I should be on gw2 right now :( I miss the Peanut. I wonder if he misses me at all haha. I wish he does. I just hope I can dream of something better tonight. Hopefully.
I remember in year 7/8, there was a time in music class when everyone was talking to the person next to them and it pissed the teacher off so she made everyone change seats to a boy and girl sitting arrangement. At that time, I was seated at the left front corner of the room and the Peanut had to sit next to me hahaha! It was funny that it kinda made us shut up I think hahaha! But yeah, I remember at that time, the teacher wanted us to show our answers on the board in front of the whole class and as you may already know, I suck at music and I’m even worse under pressure. So obviously I didn’t know the answer and I was panicking. But then, at this time, when the teacher asked me to write my answer on the board, the boy next to me showed me his book and told me what the answer was. Hahaha! I don’t know why I never forgot such an old memory. It wasn’t even anything substantial but it made an impression and it made me happy. I wonder if I remembered to thank him? I hope I did. But then again, maybe to him, it is already a forgotten memory. Or maybe he just recalls a stupid girl that didn’t know her music hahaha. Nevertheless, it is a simple, stupid memory to me that I’ll treasure.
4 hrs and a half until I need to get ready to go to uni and do my exam and nothing is going in! AHHHHHHHHH…… I hate exams. I’m not used to them anymore T_T I don’t even know how to remember stuff AHH! Well, yeah, I just wanted to complain for a bit. So you know, I don’t need to learn about the Marxist theory. Well, Marxist theory is okay. Kind of. Left realism is annoying. Yeah, I’m just trying to extend my time on here by talking about nothing :D Let me list the theories… classical criminology, rational choice theory, biological theories, psychological theories, social disorganisation theory, anomie and strain theories, culture conflict theory, social learning theory, social control and labelling theories, marxist theory, feminist theory and left realism! Well, what can I say, I know my theories <3 Just not in detail LOL. And that’s what I need to do in 4 and a half hourssssss! Mind maps ftw!~ I just hope that I pass. And sitting here blogging isn’t going to do that so I’ll go back to studying! :) The theories are interesting, I just hate studying for marks. But then I guess, that’s life. We’ll constantly have to show others that we know what we’re talking about. Sigh, yes yes, I’m going…. T_T
Woke up early today. Haha. If I’m actually waking up early for no particular reason, you know there’s something wrong lol. Yeah, I understand. I understand that people have different perspectives of the same people. People think differently about the same people. I can accept that. But I’m sorry, I can’t accept it in reality. I thought about it the whole day. Their influence on my heart ran deeper than I thought. Last night, I was right. I’ll be normal tomorrow but that disappointment will never disappear. Of course, as long as no one mentions anything about them, I can think that nothing happened at all. I can forget about the past even if it is only temporarily. I don’t care if you want me to face reality. I’m facing it but it only hurts me so what’s the point? Will facing reality change anything? No it won’t. Maybe I’ll get stronger? And what’s the point of getting stronger? Nothing. Sorry, I can’t chill. As long as I don’t think about it, I’m fine. As long as he doesn’t say anything about them again, I won’t rage. As long as I don’t think about it, everything will be fine. It will be fine. Don’t say this isn’t going to work. I know it doesn’t work. But it’s the only bandaid solution I know of. It’ll take me a while to stomach it. But you know, I’ve never really thought about it deeply until last night. So it proves that it works. As long as I believe that it works, it will work. And I believe that it does. But not long. Sigh. Doubt is a horrible thing. Oh well, I feel better after talking to Crystal <3 I feel better after ranting on my blog and in my diary lmao. This is how life is, right? Everyone has things they can’t take. This just happened to be one I didn’t expect. What’s the big deal if I don’t think about it? You know what? I’m good at thinking but not thinking at the same time. I’m one of those that could stare out a window for an hour without thinking about anything. I can read heaps of things but not have a single word go in. I’m capable of numbing my thoughts towards this. Not good for me? Unhealthy? Damn right it is. But that’s how I survive. No one truly leads a healthy lifestyle anyway. It’s impossible to be happy forever. But yeah~ I shall study now :)
Am I jealous that he said that about somebody else? Yes. Do I agree with his opinion? No. Can I say it out loud? No. Because that means I’m badmouthing them. Do I want to say it out loud? Yes. Will that change anything? No. Will winning the argument let him turn that affection (even a little bit) towards me? No. So, I’m not going to bother. Did my opinion change of him? Yes. Am I disappointed? Yes. Am I disappointed as a friend or because he’s my crush? I don’t know which it is. All I know is that, everything Santa said, everything they said, it all connects. I was probably right about my hunch. Will that change my feelings for him? To be honest, it cuts me very deeply. I don’t know if I can look at him in the same way anymore. I know that this is just his perspective. I know that. And it’s not like I didn’t like that ‘somebody else’, I just never had a good impression of them in the later years. I tried but I guess it was useless. I need someone to talk to. Am I crying due to extreme disappointment in myself or him? Probably both. I know that I shouldn’t remember the bad stuff of the past but I can forgive but I can’t forget. I’m not a nice person. I’m only human. I have people and things that I can’t forget about as well even if I really want to. Maybe, I just could never understand their perspective of life. Maybe we just couldn’t connect no matter what. I know I had this at the back of my mind or even my heart but I never ever thought of it as true. Until now. A respectable outlook of them? I wanted to spit out my drink. (well, I wasn’t drinking anything lol) But my gosh. You fucking serious? Sorry for swearing. I’m just disappointed. Disappointed in myself and him. Disappointed that it’s bothering me this much and disappointed that he thought, no, thinks like that. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe him. I’m sorry, it’s not like I even hate them. I just couldn’t believe them. And thus, hearing that from him, I just feel so so sad. I guess I was the only one that thought our time together felt fun and special. I guess I was the only one that thought everything was happy. I’m not going to care anymore. I don’t care anymore. I’m sorry, but having a respectable opinion of someone I just cannot respect anymore is just too much for me right now. I feel like all these memories of the past are resurfacing from deep down. It’s pissing me off already. But from now on, I’m not going to care. I’m not going to let my heart soften towards him anymore. I probably didn’t even realise how many bad memories I had with them until he told me he had a respectable opinion of them. I was so shocked, I didn’t even know what to say. I think I should get out of this dreamy image I have of him or whatever. You know what? It’s so hilarious. Totally fucking hilarious. I’m not going crazy, relax. But I can tell you. His words just struck something in me. It made me so disappointed that I just can’t look at him the same anymore. Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m making a big deal out of nothing you might think. Maybe I won’t think it’s that big of a deal tmr morning. Maybe I still will. But lils, don’t forget this disappointment. You’ve felt it twice in two people. Two people you really like. Of course, I’m just going to brush it off as a perspective thing. He can like them all he wants. I used to think it was important as well. I used to like them as well. But no. I’m sorry. I’ll calm down. He could’ve had a respectable opinion of anyone. But them. I’m sorry. I’m totally hating on them right now. I’m just digging up old wounds. I’m just digging up one of the reasons I hated school and socialising. I’m just making myself analyse myself. I’m surprised this is affecting me this much. It’s quite amazing. I guess I’m overestimating my EQ. Man, I wish I didn’t log on today. Nah, it would’ve happened some day. It just happened to be today. I’ll be fine tmr. I can guarantee that. But, you know. I’m not going to care anymore. Not at all. I’m going to stop trying. I’m going to give up. OMGGG~ Did I just say that? yeah, I did. Okay, okay, I’ll stop being cynical. Giving up is something I naturally force myself to do. Right now, I don’t even know if I can do it. No, if it’s right now, I know I can. But tomorrow is another story. The me right now is rather unstable. If you can tell. But the me tomorrow will be fine. I’m just that kind of person. I like and don’t like thinking about the past. And right now, I’m hating these flashbacks running through my mind. All I know is, even if I don’t give up, I don’t know if I really have the will to go on, not to mention try harder. I totally overestimated myself. I can’t believe how big of a miscalculation this was. But most of all, I’m sad.
So I was reading the latest chapter in the webtoon ‘Story of someone we know’ and Sang hoon said something really interesting to Mi ra. They were on the topic about this guy Mi ra likes and he said that the guy she likes seems to have an interest in her and she didn’t believe that the guy did and said it wasn’t possible. And then Sang Hoon asked “why do you keep thinking like that? Do you really want him to not have an interest in you? It’s as if you want him not to.” And as she denied it and said that it’s not like that, he asked, “Is it self-hypnotism to make it easier for you to give up while it’s still early..? Or maybe.. self-pity so that when it doesn’t work out you can calmly say ‘ah I knew it would be like this. But I knew it already so it’s fine’? When I was reading this part, I couldn’t help but think of myself. I have always denied the possibility of him having an interest in me. But I have always believed in never giving up until I’ve considered myself to have done my best. So, if I don’t think that whatever I’m doing is eventually going to turn his head and change how he feels towards me, why do I keep trying? I know that denying the possibility is my own way of protecting myself and I won’t deny that there will be many more instances where I’ll say the same thing like “why would he have an interest in me…?” I want to try changing that mindset of mine from now on. I want to think less negatively. I know that it’s good to worry and think about these possibilities as well but just not all the time I guess. But the idea of self-hypnotism and self-pity felt exactly like what I used to do and what I’ve been doing to myself… After the rejection, I kept trying to protect myself saying that I knew this. I knew this from the start. I don’t need to feel this sad when it was already expected. But obviously, it really didn’t help at all. And I guess it’s because of this experience that I want to change for this time around. I don’t want to take it as a given anymore. I want to think differently. I don’t want to put myself down any more than I already have. But I guess I just found it ironic that I always emphasised and told myself to never give up whilst at the same time making myself believe that it isn’t possible. I’m sure that I was always harboring hope and still am right now. So, why keep putting down yourself? If I’m going to harbor hope either way, why don’t I just be a bit more honest with myself? I want him to like me and so I’ll keep trying for it :)
First time I’ve ever really known the feeling of my heart sinking. Or maybe it’s just been a while. But when you heart sinks, it’s such a horrible feeling. I really wanted to see him. But I guess, what can we do? I guess I was the only one that wanted to see him. My heart just broke from two words “I’ll pass..” Sigh. Need to control my emotions. I probably should have done a crying face just to show him how I really felt! Hahaha.. But I was just.. I guess I’m too accustomed to hiding my real feelings. Which I guess is bad. Sigh. But I’m sad :( I’M SAD!! I’ll never get to see him at this rate!! Stupid idiooooot~~~ I guess saying that we wanted to see him didn’t have any effect on him.. :( He doesn’t careee~ :( But, I guess, what can I say? I’m the one that cares so obviously, I’d end up being the one that’s sad… T_T On another note, apparently River & everyone will be going to Vivid tomorrow as well. That was unexpected. I’ll admit that the moment I saw that, the first thing I thought was, I don’t want to see him (but I do…), life is woe~ Oh well, whatever! I’ll just focus on what’s in front of me! :) I won’t think about anything that I can’t control! Whether it be Peanut or River. And, nah, I won’t bother. I’ll get over this after tmr. Whatever happens tmr. I’ll get over it. All depends on the mind. If I really want to, it isn’t impossible. But if I really don’t want to, then no matter what I do, it’ll continue to affect my feelings. Thus, I won’t let this get to me. One failure does not dictate for future failures. It only means I need to try again! I won’t stop trying! :) Hopefully anyway!~ Even if the chances I have are small, even if it won’t be reciprocated in the end, even if I get hurt, I can at least tell myself, it was worth it and that I don’t regret a moment of it. Nothing is a waste of time unless you think it is! As for my life, there’s probably heaps of things people would think of as a waste of time that could have been spent better, but I don’t think it is. If you don’t ‘waste’ a little time in your life, when will you? Makes life more life worthy. But yeah, don’t let disappointment depress you! Don’t let disappointment deter you from trying anymore! Let disappointment be a motivation to strive for what you want even more!
P.S I don’t necessarily ‘want’ the Peanut.. LOL But I guess it can be put that way…… HAHAHA. Nah, involves too many feels, I don’t think I’m at the stage where I ‘want’ him… Yeah, I don’t know what I want. I just hope that I will never give up on myself or him until I’ve done the best that I could and all that I can! …I guess
So apparently, there’s going to be limited edition adult makeup products of Sailor Moon!!! OMG!! I WANT IT!! But it’s sold out on the pre-orders.. And it’s expensive….. But it’s so beautiful….It’s like more than $50. I guess it’ll only be a dream.. :( This actually reminds me of when Kyoko in Skip Beat was going nuts about fairy tale makeup or something. Well, this is kinda like how I am feeling <3 I WAAAAAAAAANT!
I know that this is a stupid thing to be happy about especially since it’s something that should have probably been happening in all these years that I’ve been in uni..but this is like one of the few times I’ve actually stopped everything I’m doing (bludging) and started my essay a week early! Like, seriously! It’s CRAZY! If you’ve known me for a while, most of my work is last minute. Like, literally last minute. I would throw all nighters for every essay. But surprisingly, this time, I started. And it’s not because of the pressure of having two essays due on the same day because it has happened before and it still didn’t deter me from it..(sadly) But yay! I just wanted to record this historical moment in my life lmao HAHAHA. But I’m proud of myself. For once. I might not be progressing really well for the assignments and quiz but I’m actually trying and not putting it off for ‘later’. I think it might be the influence of studious uni friends! hahaha! They make me conscious of what is due soon! Hahaha! And I guess it’s also because I watched Bubz video on beating procrastination hahaha. I guess, it just made me open my eyes a little bit more to what I already know but refused to face. And I guess, it’s also because I want to stop being one of those “I wish” people. It’s true that wishing and complaining doesn’t do anything so might as well just do my work for once! Hahaha! Therefore, I shall try my best to stop procrastinating and do my work! :) It may be the end of the semester already but it’s never too late to change! :) I will try my best to stop saying “I wish” blah blah blah and actually do something about it! :) It’s good to have a positive outlook on life :) I’ll just try and focus on these assignments for now. As for other things that occupy my mind,..I’ll accept that they are there but I won’t let them interfere with my emotions :) The most important thing to living and studying (I guess) is to be positive and optimistic! Assume the worst but never believe that you can’t achieve the best! (of your abilities)
Good luck to everyone studying! <3 We’re in this together! :D
So in order to see what all the hype was about 2 years ago, I decided to watch 步步惊心and although I wouldn’t say it’s extremely good, it is pretty nice. I felt like a fangirl rooting for Kevin Cheng! Haha! But I think 若曦was so cruel to him. She was so mean. I just couldn’t cry for their love because she was being so unfair. She doesn’t deserve him. He always tried his best to win her over whilst she struggled with her inner conflicts. I really hated how she kept trying to make him make a choice when she said she’d just go for him and then gave him so much hope! But I was most disappointed in her for telling him to make a decision. She told him that if he were to still aim for the throne, then she won’t stay with him and when he silently made his choice, she said she didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. I just felt that she was so ruthless. All those years with the love letters he sent her and the presents, he always tried his best to care for her and understand her but because of her reason that she knows what will happen to him and that she can’t follow down this path, she ruthlessly cut him off without ever bothering to understand him. I can’t remember a single circumstance where she tried to understand him. I just find her super frustrating now :( she broke his heart. She cried. But I couldn’t cry for her. My heart broke for Kevin Cheng :( maybe she really didn’t ‘love him enough’ as she said. Not that I really understand the idea of not loving someone enough since love isn’t really something you can measure. But yeah… I was rooting for the fourth prince in the beginning! ♥ but now I’m just like, just leave her alone. Far, she keeps using her tears as an excuse for everything! Kevin Cheng cried! Women don’t get special privileges for crying dude sorry. But I feel much more heartbroken for him. His tears made me sad. But I think I’ve let out some steam :D I just wanted to express how annoyed I was with her. I hate people who do stuff like that. It’s like seriously, do you really think he’ll give up his goal for a woman? If he did that, he wouldn’t be the man you like. And I wouldn’t have looked at him in the same way if he gave up for her. It’s ridiculous. It’s a stupid question. What makes her think that her influence can make such a huge impact on him? Childhood traumas and constant reminders through growing up showing his inferior parental status cannot be healed by romantic love. Well I don’t think so anyway. She has no right to make him give up just because she knows that he will die. There’s nothing wrong with his motivations. Knowing what the result will be doesn’t matter because he wouldn’t believe it until it happens and when that happens, it’ll be too late. But he tried with no regrets. As long as you don’t regret your decision, it’s fine. If you won’t change your actions even knowing that the possibility of failure is high, then by all means go for it. To be honest, I really would have liked it if she could just change history and get Kevin Cheng on the throne somehow. That would be interesting haha. But oh well, I’m a fan of romance, I’ll keep watching. And she keeps thinking she can change her fate when she can’t. I won’t deny the vigour she has and her determination but as she saw and should understand, an individual by itself cannot hope to change society. A collective amount of them could be influenced by one individual and thus create a collective. And now she keeps crying. I hate it when it becomes the damsel in distress. Oh well sigh. Keep watching~
There are things that keep changing, and things that stay unchanged. What a person’s heart will be like tomorrow, no one knows… - Kore wa Koi no Hanashi
I guess, sometimes I just think about how hard it is for our hearts to change and also how easily they can change as well. It’s not even like we necessarily want it to change, but it does anyway. And that uncertainty scares me. I’m scared that my heart can be cold at times too. But I guess, some things that scare me even more is the fact that I never really know how my heart is like or will be like as time passes. Will it stay the same? Or will it change? Once upon a time, we would confidently tell others that our heart would never change towards them, our feelings will never change, that we’ll be with them forever, that we’ll always stay in contact and everything. I don’t believe that they were lies. I don’t believe that those thoughts and feelings we once had were lies. I think, we just realised what exactly reality meant at times. But what can I say? The world will never stop for one person. So why are you stopping time for yourself?
I’ve been thinking about this for a while but I was never passionate enough to blog about it until now. But I guess, the whole idea mainly stemmed from a little diary note that I read on my newsfeed on fb a while ago with a girl talking about her crush and how she didn’t want to confess to him on an impulse just because she likes him. She doesn’t want him to be troubled if her love isn’t reciprocated. I guess the main reason why I still remember this is because I felt that I could identify with her feelings. I guess I could empathise with her situation and understand her feelings. One of the reasons I hesitated to confess to River in uni was because I didn’t want to trouble him. I didn’t want him to stress over my one sided feelings for him. I didn’t want him to feel troubled having to face me. So I always tried to act normal in front of him afterwards, since obviously I did confess to him in the end. I guess at that time, I didn’t act with the best interests for him. But I didn’t act in the best interests of myself either. (Not the best anyway) All I wanted to do was have some closure on our relationship and to protect myself from having a continuing unrequited love. I always tried to help him out for anything I could, I always tried to be of some use to him, I always tried to understand him better and I never acted out of place because I never wanted him to have to agonise over my problems. But I guess, in the end, I blew it anyway. My desires overcame myself. Of course I acknowledged that I might have had a chance, but I knew that it was an extremely low chance. I confessed to him because I wanted to. Whether he wanted to hear it… I thought about that a lot. I guess it’s one of the main reasons why I can’t stand watching or reading or hearing about people (mostly manga, I have no love life) that are always pushing their so called love onto the leisure person that they love. If you love them, you wouldn’t do that. That’s what I think anyway. If you loved them, you would want to see them happy. In the end, I guess the most provocative question would be, am I doing this for my own desires without considering their feelings? But I guess sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do as well. There is no right or wrong answer. Love is just too complicated for me. I should sleep instead.
Sitting outside my class at 8:44am. I see a door with like bars on the inside. Reminds me of those jail windows. And then it makes me think about jigging class later. And you know, I think that the 80% required attendance for classes makes me think about the fact that we can jig the other 20% is like having 2 get out of jail free cards in monopoly. Yeah this is what I think about in the morning. Just a thought though.
Letters are so wonderful! I never ever thought I’d really be able to ever send letters to another person for a legitimate reason! But basically, instead of emails, I’ve been communicating with a friend through letters. To be honest, when we stopped emailing each other, I really thought that what River said to me once had come true. I remember at that time I was talking to River in my first year of uni and I was telling him that I was going to reply to a friend’s email before I sleep since we can’t see each other often. And he told me about how he once did that with his friend but they eventually stopped emailing each other. It’s not like they didn’t want to or didn’t like it but I guess it was simply because life became busy and sitting down to reply an email just didn’t fit in to their schedules or whatever or they couldn’t be bothered. I remember at that time, I tried to change his view of emails and I sent him emails occasionally just talking about stupid real life things or just talking about random things. I used to send them on my phone and accidentally send him double emails hahaha! They were fun days. It also reminds me of other things but I like these memories. They were really fun. I would never want to forget them. But back on topic! Eventually, my friend suggested that we communicate through letters. Initially, I really thought she wasn’t serious (even though I really hoped she was) but she ended up asking for my address and so I got really excited! At that time, I kept checking my mailbox just to see whether her letter came. And when it came, I was so happy! Seeing her writing just made me squeal! And opening the letter and reading her words. It’s an indescribable feeling of closeness and love. Much better than emails! I could really feel the thoughts put into it and how she dedicated time to write it. I’ve already fallen in love with writing letters! I can’t wait for her reply though! It’s always so magical opening and reading it! And this, I hope we will never stop. I hope we will continue communicating with our hearts through these letters and that even if physical distance separates us, our hearts are still close. Haha I feel like I’m describing a long distance relationship! It is one though, just not a romantic one. But I’m really really happy that we can still talk like we’re still so close to each other and as if nothing has changed our friendship. I mean, so many friendships that don’t even have this big of a distance problem end due to lost of contact. I guess the biggest problem after all is the willingness from both sides to continue this friendship. I’m glad things are moving yet unchanging at the same time. It really warms my heart whenever I look at the letter that was sent from Canberra. We realise that this method is old fashioned but we cannot deny that this method is much more personal. Letters have good soothing effects :p hahaha! No matter how busy I am, I hope to continue this. That can be a resolution of mine.
So, I was wondering for a while and am still wondering about the concept of memory loss and the self. My view of the self aka me is that we are socially constructed by society and our social experiences. I don’t believe in stuff like the concept of ‘being born a criminal’. So yeah, it just made me wonder, so if I lost my memories of something like my whole high school life, would I still be the same person? I couldn’t think of an answer. Although essentially, I have to say I wouldn’t be the same person at all. I’d probably wonder why the hell do I like this guy so much!? Why am I such good friends with whoever. If I lost all those memories, I just wouldn’t be the same anymore. But then, does that mean our memories define who we are and what the self is? That doesn’t sound right either. Memories are unreliable after all. But if we can’t remember our social experiences, then what are we? A living shell? I hope I never lose my memories, I hate it when things don’t connect. Not that my thoughts in this post really make sense anyway!
Whether it be others or myself, I believe that we all have an insatiable appetite and thus insatiable desires. There are too many wants in this world that we label as needs. And too many needs that people demean as a want. After reading about the idea of social facts by Emile Durkheim, I just couldn’t help but think that some things may be a want but they can also be a need. You may not personally need it but society thinks that you NEED it and that you SHOULD have it. I remember reading a paragraph that has been stuck to my mind (that’s why I wrote it on my essay too :D) about conformity in society. It’s not necessary for us to go with the fashion in society nor is it necessary for us to conform with a certain group in society but if we don’t, we’d be laughed at and ridiculed. So what is the difference between that actually being a need? We can not conform to our society and use the delegated currency but what will we do in this society if we don’t? In the end, this constraint might not be as forceful as it is when you consider the law but ultimately it IS a constraint. I couldn’t stop highlighting Durkheim’s words in the reading haha. I have always thought that, there is no such thing as a need in this world besides the basic means of survival such as food etc and I still hold to that but I won’t deny that for some, for many, for myself, it is simply impossible to live normally if we don’t consider some things as a need. The collective beliefs of people saying that if you’re unemployed for more than a year, then there’s a problem with you. If you don’t have a uni degree in this day and age, you’re stupid and weird. The thing is, people judge you. And please don’t say things like you shouldn’t care about how others look at you. “Don’t say something that you don’t even believe yourself”. (Come Home Love TVB LOL) But seriously, if we really didn’t care about what others think about us, there wouldn’t be depression in this world, there wouldn’t be suicides. And at the same time, we wouldn’t grow or have expectations. If you’re different from the norm, you’re weird. You either try your best to work against it or conform. And simply, some people just don’t have the strength to work against it, they don’t have the conviction nor the perseverance. I’ll put my hand up first. I’ll admit it, I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t have the power to work against it nor do I really feel the need to work against it sometimes. I mean I’m not going to start a revolution against how the law should work if we’re talking about an extreme example. I mean I’m not necessarily all gungho about everything to do with the law but overall I think it’s a system to stay. And of course, these thoughts of mine have probably just been cultivated within me since I was young so I’m used to it and wouldn’t feel anything wrong with it and that’s why I wouldn’t go against it but oh well. But yeah, besides all that stuff I talked about, of course there is individuality in society. There wouldn’t be so many different people if there wasn’t. I guess it’s the way we interpret things accompanied with our life experiences. It’s like how people react differently to the same situation. It’s like if you were proposed to an aeroplane and if I were proposed to on it as well. You might think it’s nice and cool and everything but for me, frankly, I’m trying my best to just survive on an aeroplane ride. Motion sickness is not something you should underestimate. I’d love you if you just left me alone on an aeroplane ride and didn’t talk to me at all. I’m straying lol. My life. Sigh. Oh and btw, I totally talked about the wrong thing, I originally wanted to talk about something else. Well now… I need to change the title lol. But yeah, I think the biggest problem with what we believe are needs and not wants is how we define the word need itself. We have to conform to society in some way. That’s a need. Probably. Yeah all you can conclude from this is that, I’m liking my readings in uni right now :)
A prominent theme in Hong Kong TVB these days is the idea of the “leftover women” where the woman is over 30 years old and is not married and does not have a boyfriend. To this, people react as if it’s the end of the world or that it’s hilarious that you’re still single. I found it rather ridiculous. It made me think about this uni confession I read about some person asking if it was weird to have never have had a boyfriend even though she’s 23 or something and one of the top liked comments was telling her to lower her standards and stop being so picky. I remember reading it and thinking fine, there are picky people in this world. Then I looked to myself. I’m not too far off! I’m nearly 21 and I’ve never had a boyfriend either! Hahaha! Am I too picky? I’ve never had that question pass my mind before. Is the problem because I’m picky? To be honest, I’d say it’s because I’m antisocial hahaha. Well that’s not the point right now haha. I also remember someone telling me a few times to get an actual bf because I should have some experience. But I just feel that there’s no point of experiencing a relationship for the point of experience. She said I’d be taken advantage of (nothing sexual, ty) because I have no experience, which may be possible haha. But the thing is, I wonder if I am that picky. My only requirement is for me to like them. I don’t need him to be the best guy around, I don’t need him to be sociable. The only requirement is that I like him. Although I’m probably being unconsciously picky haha. The idea of your boyfriend being your best friend… I wonder if it works when they’re your best friend before being your boyfriend/girlfriend. I think you’ll have to get past that friend zone though and that’s quite hard haha. The only person I’ve fallen in love with after they became my friend was probably River. I used to quite dislike him hahaha! I know I know! How could anyone possibly hate River lol! I guess I just thought he was quite fake in the beginning. I’m sorry River haha! Of course I thought of him differently after we talked to each other haha. Sorry I drifted haha. But I stand firm to what I have believed in all these years. I won’t waver because of loneliness. (Unless something really crazy happens) it isn’t hard for me to like someone I think. Maybe. 3 serious crushes. 12-21. 9 years. Not bad. But yeah back to topic, I admit that of course I’d want someone to be beside me for the rest of my life but I also firmly believe in being with someone I love. Like that question Chevy asked me once. I’d rather be with someone that I love that doesn’t love me but still allows me to be by their side than to be with someone that I don’t love but loves me. I’m sorry I’m selfish! I don’t want to be the one that’s hurting the other and possibly eventually thrown away. I’d rather be the one that’s thrown away. Then I can tell myself that I never gave up and tried my best. I won’t go into a relationship because I need someone to protect and take care of me and never let me cry. That’s a plus. I acknowledge that you’re bound to cry for some things whether you like it or not. I’m thinking too much about Bokura ga ita. I never cheered for Takeuchi even though I thought he was really sweet. He just wasn’t love. He just wasn’t love for her. Love doesn’t need to be anything exciting, because excitement wears out one day. I just need a promise. A vow. That you will try your best to love me as I do. And maybe at that time, if I’m ever left alone, I can somehow, nah who am I kidding, what do I know? But yeah, maybe I’m picky after all HAHAHA! I still think going with the flow is the best. If I can survive 21 years without one, I don’t understand why I can’t survive the rest of my life without one if age apparently doesn’t matter. Who wouldn’t want to survive with one though? :p
Why is it that when you remember happy memories from your past, sometimes it leaves you feeling sad? It's because your past self was able to experience it, but your current self will never be able to... - Shi ni Itaru Yamai
I don’t understand why you’re being so ruthless towards me! Do you hate me now? Do you not give a single —— about me now? Do you think I’m annoying? Can you express it instead of ignoring me? Can you say something? Why are you treating me so coldly? I don’t understand. I really don’t. All I know is that my heart really hurts. And I don’t even know the reason why. Have I just naturally become intolerable to you? Well then, I’m sorry you had to put up with me for all those times we talked! …why are you doing this? I don’t even want to admit that I like you when this is happening. But obviously, I know how frustrated and heartbroken I am over this. I know how sad I am. I know. And it’s only now that I realise how irreplaceable the times we played together in the middle of the night was. I always thought they were memorable and fun but I never thought how exactly important it was to me. I don’t even know what I’m staying up so late for anymore. No matter how much I wait, he doesn’t come online. And when he does, he doesn’t say a single word to me. Nor does he respond. Maybe I really should slap myself in the face and recognise that he just doesn’t care about me. I’m disposable to him.
I started this post a while ago but i guess I’ll finish it up.
I woke up and saw the broken piece of the bookmark my sister gave me a long time ago that she was going to give to River as a present but didn’t end up giving. And it just made me think about my feelings from last year and the year before for a bit. It just made me think that getting over someone isn’t easy but it isn’t exactly hard either even if it was a rejection. The only reason it feels so hard to get over someone is because we are not willing to get over them. We are not willing to let go of them. We don’t want to give up on them. And I guess after sulking for a year, I felt like I hadn’t exactly gotten over the Peanut during the high school days. I sound like such a fickle person HAHAHA! Maybe I am. I probably am. Just thinking about someone doesn’t show my love for them. If you really do love someone, you would actually do something for them. Well at least those are one of the things I think is different from a like and love. Now that when I think about when qq asked me why I’m not making a move on him, I feel like I can answer why properly. It took me 4 years to realise that I really liked River and that I wanted to tell him that. But I wasn’t really thinking about a relationship. As for the Peanut, I don’t know how much I like him. I don’t know how much I really do. But I do admit that he cheers me up a lot but also pisses me off too! He can be so mean sometimes when it comes to pvp! Overall, he’s…. he’s…. usually nice lol. Hahahaha! He said I was his loyal follower hahahaha! Which I admit I am lol. I follow him in WvWvW. So yeah. And I can’t stop laughing at how he talks to random people. It’s hilarious. Types it all out back to me too :) a loyal follower and a partner in gw2 huh? We shall see how everything goes. Yeah I don’t know how I strayed. Just fun and nice to think about the stupid things, well what he did :) And I think being rejected helps for getting over them. (Omg, 44% battery at 4:44am, that coincidence) But yeah.
Sigh, I’m such a retard. I finally levelled up my engineer to level 80 but not even the Peanut goes on gw2 anymore. Ah, I know now. We changed servers 2 weeks ago so the post above was from then. 2 weeks ago, I still felt very happy being able to spend time with him talking with him. No, actually, more than two weeks, I remember I was laughing at him communicating with someone from ND and asking if they were really changing servers. Then we took at least a week to choose which server to change to. My gosh, I don’t know how long ago this post I forgot to publish is! Oh well, my thoughts haven’t changed. The only reason I’m hurting right now is because I hold hope in getting along with the Peanut. And I don’t want to give up. I know how much I really want to just forget about all this but I also know how persistent and insistent I can be on a person that I have fallen for. Even if we haven’t talked for a while. And a while means like 4 days. That is quite a long time! And it didn’t end well either. And it hasn’t been feeling too well either. I don’t know if he was just pissed off or angry at me. And because of that, I went into this state where I said I don’t care at all however he treats me! I don’t care about him that much! Until I had at least 4 consecutive dreams for these few days with his actions haunting me like they’re freaking nightmares. Didn’t sleep well at all. I need to stop caring. I didn’t dream at all today though. Probably the effects of the Final Fantasy music. It really calmed me down. But yeah. Crushes are annoying. On another note, Valentines day is coming up! And there’s a bouquet of roses you can buy in gw2! I really want it! It’s so pretty! Well I assume it is haha! Except the hilarious thing is…. IT’S ACCOUNT BOUND HAHAHA! So you can’t send it as a gift to people, thus defeating the whole purpose of valentines day. I don’t think about River as much anymore. And even those memories I cherished, they’re still there but I kind of locked it in a chest. The key is hanging there but I know and do not want to open it. Because I know that even just thinking about the fragmented memories used to be hard enough so not thinking about anything is best. To this day, whenever I think about when I confessed to River, my heart still races as if I’m still there at uni looking up at his window. If you asked me whether I have the guts to do the same thing to the Peanut, I wouldn’t know. Probably not. Why? I don’t know. Did I want River more? I don’t know. Did I like River more? Probably. I mean, I used to actually think, “why are you being so cute?” “Why do you have to care about me so much?” “Why are you doing that and getting my hopes up?” There were too many questions haha. And for a moment in time, I really thought we were on the same wavelength. I really thought it was possible. Funny thing was I didn’t think the same thing in the second semester of uni. I guess timing is a really important factor in love. I mean, catching the bus and walking with him along the way to class was one of the things I loved to do every Tuesday. It was always the only lecture I attended without fail. Why am I reminiscing about him!? LOL I guess the best way to get over someone is to not think about them and let time pass. Or think about someone else. You know, after talking to Crystal, I can’t help but wonder if I actually have an obsession with Peanut instead of love/like. But then I thought, what is there to obsess over Peanut? LOL he’s the complete opposite of River. Not gentle at all. Well, maybe sometimes. Only sometimes recently. He’s been rather cold lately. He… sigh, comparing them is bad for my health. Memories are…. too powerful. I give up. I’m just going to drown myself in something. You know what? I have another thought and perception about all this. But, I don’t think I want to disclose that possibility to others yet. Because I don’t want it to be true. Even though, it’s highly likely. I don’t want it to be true though. It would be too cruel to myself. I’d rather be in denial. I’d rather have… no maybe this resulted in my possible obsession. Nah, I’ve had enough of myself. I’ll think about it. Sleep on it. And maybe face it if it’s true.
The only music that can keep me sane these days would have to be Final Fantasy music. The other songs I used to listen to just don’t cut it anymore. And what is even more saddening is that even church songs just don’t make me feel the same anymore. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that tears come to my eyes just hearing this music again. Not exaggerating at all when my heart melts hearing them. The first time I heard ‘To Zanarkand’ at Distant Worlds, I really did cry T___T Even when I was playing the game, ‘To Zanarkand’ was the one that appealed to me most. You know how you can buy those music spheres in FFX-2? I never thought it was dumb to buy those. I used to get the whole collection and just play them in that hall and check them out! It was really cool! Can’t say much about the gameplay of that one though. Those memories. Felt very girly, which was one of the reasons I hated it LOL.
But I’m listening and downloading the music right now and I can’t help but reminisce about..everything. Everything was so final fantasy-like until FFX-2. And you gotta love the comments from some people on youtube LOL. You know, when I bought the Distant Worlds CDs, I really thought Suteki Da Ne would be in Japanese. Like, it’s not that it sounded bad in English but it just had a completely different feeling. I really didn’t like it. And I refused to accept it. I don’t need or want things to be translated or sung in English. It just means I’m not experiencing the same feeling. Ah, I know why I’m missing music on my phone, getting songs from the wrong computer.. haha. But Suteki Da Ne feels so much like the song in Thousand Arms. Nah, I’m probably just too fond of the old days. To be honest, if you asked me to choose between my PS or PS3, I’d throw that PS3 in a corner in the blink of an eye. I would not want to give up on FFVII, FFVIII or even FFIX for the games nowadays. It’s like the movies these days, one disappointment after another. Or maybe I just don’t like movies, I won’t deny that.
Ar Tonelico 3 was such a disappointment though. I seriously wanted to cry when I played the beginning, I couldn’t even continue it. What was with the fan service? FARRR! I was so pissed off.
The Disgaea series. The first one is always the best, that is indisputable. 2, 3 and 4 were fine. They had their funny moments and everything. I wouldn’t mind playing them again. Prinny dood! HAHAHHAHAHAA! AHHH MY GOSH <3 CUTEST THINGS EVER. Gotta admit that they’re so much more adorable than the quaggans in gw2. You know what I just realised? I HAVEN’T FINISHED PLAYING FFX HAHAHAA! OMG! I DON’T REMEMBER SEEING THE ENDING. ZOMG. I’m so disappointed in myself! I got so consumed by trying to get their weapons and then losing motivation that I totally forgot I haven’t even finished the game LOL. This retard…… T_T
What other games do I miss? Thousand Arms, but I played that like last year so I still remember it quite well. Ahh, taking girls out on dates HAHAHAHA. Loved that aspect of the game. It’s so funny and saddening when she slaps you though LOLS. My bro used to ask me which option he should choose and I always chose the wrong one……. LOL. I swear I’m really a girl! Their mini games were so fun too! Gameplay was really unique. Didn’t mind it at all.
Talking about unique gameplay, The Legend of Dragoons was amazing. I loved that one! It’s so satisfying when you can pull of their moves. Especially Albert! And it’s so amazing how Lavitz’s version was slower and Albert’s one was actually faster. Those little discrepancies really made it for me. It was saddening that Shana had nothing though……. Always loved Shana. Always held a grudge on Miranda for replacing her LOLS. Yes, I was such a kid.
Chrono Cross was really nice too. I loved the story and the vast amount of different characters to choose from! I really liked Harle, I really wanted her to be in my team T_T. But man, the world and everything in Chrono Cross was beautiful. And omg! It was so cool that when you finish the game once, you can fast forward hahaha! That was hilarious. Useful though.
Okay, okay, back to music. I would never want to lose my sense of hearing. Been listening for hours. The music relating to Aeris has always been my favourite. I have to admit that. Don’t tell me to pick between Aeris/Tifa/Yuffie though, breaks my heart T_T But I have to admit, when Aeris died, I cried. Like seriously cried as if my heart was broken. The tears streamed down and I just wanted to kill that boss asap. Whenever I play FFVII again, I always dread that scene. I always dread having to see her die. I never wanted that to happen. One of the comments said that they feel sorry for the people that didn’t get to play this game during its prime. I have to agree with that. If I were to see the graphics of it today, I’d probably skip it. I’m so glad I have brothers! I’m so glad that they loved Final Fantasy as well. Without them, I would never have been able to listen to all this! I hope I never get bored or sick of this music. I hope I never get sick of Nobuo Uematsu’s music!
Thing is, years ago, I watched Guin Saga and listened to the OST, think it was the OST. And I was instantly hooked. But boy, was I surprised when I found out who composed it! Nobuo Uematsu! Instantly thought ‘should have known’, how could I not get hooked? I think I’ll be looking forward to listening to my playlist tmr :) on the train~ :D don’t think anything could ruin it for me! Even if it rains. Although, I have to admit that I’d either be smiling in the rain like a retard or… I don’t know. I’m more accustomed to my idiotic ways where yeah, I just smile because Final Fantasy is playing LOL. But the comments show that I am not the only weirdo in this world so that is wonderful~ Not that I really care if I was~ Oh and I so agree with the comment that “Those Chosen by the Planet” is Sephiroth’s theme. The moment I heard it, how could you not perceive it as his theme? IT TOTALLY IS. To be honest, I don’t even like One Winged Angel that much. I SAID IT LOL. Don’t kill me. HAHA.
Cid’s theme is playing and the highest rated comment is “If i was and astronaut and were to go in space one day, i would request NASA to play this song before lift off.” +1ed right there. Love Cid <3 Chocobo racing! My gosh! If only chocobos existed. I would totally ride the blue one. Just because it’s so cute and can get over like shallow seas. Don’t need a flashy gold one~~~ I remember I used to always cheer for my bro’s chocobo on the sidelines. And when the black chocobo was in the race, we knew we would be up for a challenge! :DD
The planet is dying. Whether that be in the FFVII world or another final fantasy world or even our own, that is what we are all going through. The world is dying and we’re not helping at all. We are after all, the ones killing it. Phil said something like that to me the other day. It was so sudden, I didn’t really know how to react, I mean, it’s not something we would like to think about. The planet is crying. When I hear this music and when I hear rain, I tend to think about that. FFVII music just gives you too many feels </3
Omg! On one of them! I found someone who feels exactly like me! The nostalgia of spending hours watching your brothers play this game. I really miss those days.
Oh no, what an amazingly long post. LMAO. I’ll end it now. Happy CNY guys~ I’ll leave my FF music admiration to myself LOLS
王葾之的歌声太漂亮了。她首歌”我真的受伤了”搞到我心都碎了。you know, I always thought that as long as two people were in love, no matter how many changes they go through, they would still be able to last. But maybe I was wrong. Change and adaptations to these changes can be horrifying. It’s so saddening though. That you could experience and go through one part of your life with someone yet you weren’t able to get through another part of it together. To be honest, I’m scared of how people will change. I’m also scared of how I will change. But it’s impossible for us to stay like this. When did we start talking less? When did we stop talking on a whole? When did this happen? For a relationship or friendship to last, loving them is not enough. If we don’t show it, if we don’t communicate and if we don’t click, it just won’t work. I believe that you can be friends with many people but sometimes when two personalities don’t click, it just doesn’t work. A forced relationship is useless. That’s why you can try to be friends with everyone in this world but you can’t be friends with everyone. I guess my relationship with River was like that. Every time I talked to him, even though I knew I really liked him, the reason I doubted whether I liked him or not was because I never started a conversation with him naturally. I never started a conversation with him without having the purpose of ‘I just want to say something to the person I like’. I guess it was natural but forced :) Oh btw I let my guard down today and died in hardcore, it was depressing. First thing I thought of when I died was that I wouldn’t be able to play with the Peanut anymore but I think it’s better this way. I need to control myself. I need to control myself! The other day, I was sulking. Sulking for hours man and so I just felt like texting the Peanut. I had no excuse to but I had an urge to. So I just threw away all my fears and texted him. His answers were so predictable hahaha! I knew exactly what he would reply to me with. I even imitated him and showed him that I knew what he was going to text back hahaha. It was such a Peanut response but it made me happy that he spent some of his time texting me back. I was very surprised when he texted me like ten minutes later actually asking a question though! Such a un-Peanut-like thing to do. But yeah, although I was happy, I was scared that I was going down the same path. It’s going to end like how it did with River. I can feel myself constantly thinking that. I can feel myself thinking it won’t end well. Probably won’t. Probably won’t at all. I was reading about star signs and stuff on tumblr the whole night yesterday and it said something about Cancers being very emotional, sentimental and all that. Basically it described me so well, I couldn’t stop reading. Even though I know how complicated I am and what I should do to help myself even a little bit, I won’t. I’ve walled off myself. My head hurts. I don’t want to think about this right now. My sleeping n pattern is getting worse. I’ve tried sleeping at 3 so many times only to stay awake until 5. Then have horrible dreams I can’t remember, wake up super late and then fell crappy. Rinse and repeat. The only part of the day I truly enjoy is when I’m translating. And the only part of the day that can help me not think about anything is through games. Although now I have a Peanut to think about sigh. Okay, head really hurts, goodnight.
I really chose the worst chapter to translate. It’s the most heartbreaking chapter for me. I really didn’t want to read it again but I really do love her story. I really really did wish that she could be together with Sun. I really wanted them to. I really didn’t want her to die. Even until the end of this novel, I really hoped that she could somehow come back just because I really loved their story. I wouldn’t have approved of anyone else to be the one next to the Sun Knight. But sadly, that dream was never fulfilled and probably won’t be fulfilled, I’ll just continue to translate this chapter with watery eyes. It’s too saddening. I really didn’t want this chapter to happen. I wanted her to live. It’s unfair. I don’t want to believe that her death was necessary. Their story was really cute though. I find myself smiling with tears in my eyes. I really should read more of Yu Wo’s novels. They’re really wonderful. But yeah, I’m already going all teary! It’s only the second page T_T never going to finish translating this! Still need to do Eclipse Hunter~ T_T it’s back to those days again~~
There has been this question on my mind, well it’s been in my heart for quite a while so yeah… was playing d3 the other day with Ed farming legendaries and Phil went to shower so it was just us and somehow it got to the topic in which he said that men are weak when they fall in love. Like I laughed it off and joked about it and everything but I’ve always wondered like nothing gender specific but do men/women become weak when they fall in love? Or can we deduce that when you fall in love you actually become stronger because there is something you actually want to protect and that there is actually something up look forward to? You know those undying concepts where in the past that person was a cold hearted assassin and killed anyone and everyone without blinking an eye until they meet some random and fall in love or have their first friendship, then dun dun dun! The rival that always wanted your name of being the most first rate assassin comes and finds him and starts a fight with them and then the guy doesn’t really want to fight because they want to give up that way of life and when they eventually are forced into fighting, the rival says that he has become weak because of his useless emotions. Whether it be love or friendship or whatever. And that’s a long example short from all those manga I’ve read over the years. So yeah at that point it just makes me think, do people really become weaker when they fall in love? Like just ignore the dramatic combat etc but is it really true that they become weaker or stronger? I guess in a sense, you could assume that they become weaker because they are controlled by their emotions a lot more and the other party’s emotions also affect yours. In the example of the person you love or best friend is captured as a hostage by the bad guy, obviously you would get angry but if those bonds never existed in the first place then nothing would affect your emotions. But in the end, it’s quite impossible to be emotionless unless you just preserve no more hope in this world and just don’t care about anything at all, especially yourself. That’s another thing to think about for another day though so yeah. It just made me think does one become stronger when they recognise that they have nothing to lose or does one get stronger when they recognise that they have something they want to protect with their lives? Or probably they both become stronger but which one would be stronger I wonder~ Love is quite a manipulative emotion huh? Manipulates people quite easily~ very fascinating I would admit. Well considering I’m not one with any experience for anything I’m thinking about, all I can do is speculate! Sigh. I should contemplate why it’s so hard for me to sleep before 4 and solve that problem instead. But oh well that’s not interesting at all! Oh btw, was taking to Phil the other day about the name Djokovic and how it sounded cooler than Murray and so I was rooting more for him. I mean you can’t blame me! I don’t know anything about tennis, second time actually watching! And as I was watching it, Djokovic was quite interesting so yeah! But anyways, was talking about the surname and he was like “women….” to me, probably with a smh in his mind too! Lmao. Just thought it was funny HAHAHA. Probably also because I’ve never really thought about gender wise things when it concerns playing games or when we talk on Skype since I’m usually the only girl anyway so it’s hard to think about being a girl. Oh wait, I still do, I remember I was checking out Phil’s character on gw2 and I forgot what I was looking at, like her stockings or whole body (sounds wrong, she had clothes..) but yeah anyways, he called me a pervert T^T but I said it’s okay since I’m a girl. Swear it is. And I swear I’m not a pervert. Or I could be. LOL or maybe all people in general are perverts but we’re just different in how much we can control it. I mean in manga, the guy who blushes and openly admits that he wants to touch the girl gets much more points than the guy who attacks her like an animal at every chance he gets. Don’t ask me what I read, romance ftw! But yeah. Unless you like them aggressive then that’s another story entirely. Ahhh I’ll stop, otherwise I’ll never sleep! Oh btw started playing Path of Exile, it has quite a d2 feel to it. Bit hard, bit easy. Phil tanks though lol as always… whatever game it is, he tanks hahaha! I’m sorry. Never tanked in my life, not used to surviving. But yeah hardcore mode! ♥ wish me luck that I don’t die~ a level 79 guy died today, it was saddening. The global chat was epic though, 75% RIP 15% calling him noob or laughing. People these days~ well you get your character thrown into softcore if you die so it’s fine I guess. But yeah hardcore makes everything more interesting! Anyway, been typing this for an hour on my phone! 5 already -.- Goodnight idiot. Really need to stop blabbing.
I laughed at Phil when he first said that until I realised how true it was and how much he meant it. I may not be listening to any trendy songs or pop songs or whatever anymore but I find FFVII game music to really save me and soothe my heart. I can listen to it however many times and still feel the same emotions as when I first heard it. It just feels so powerful. Especially the ones like Aeris’ theme and ahead on our way. And with the music in Clannad as well… It makes my playlist hahaha :) but yeah listening to them calms me down quite well. I used to always listen to Hillsong in the past. I would always listen to it and it would calm me down no matter what situation I was in. No matter how panicky I may have been, listening to the songs just made me more confident and energised :) but yeah xD Oh yeah! For the first time in my life today, I sat down and watched a tennis game. I watched the women’s finals. It was so funny hearing some guy in the audience screaming “LI NA CHINA LOVES YOU!” in Chinese lol. Very amusing. Li Na’s high volleys (?) were so cool though! Too bad she lost! And those shots across the court barely making the line were very awesome too. Azarenka just seemed like a very stable and effective player in that not as risky style. She seemed to play things quite safe. Or maybe I wasn’t really watching her lol. I just thought the way Li Na played was more interesting even though I did believe that Azarenka was going to win. But yeah! First time watching tennis! Not bad not bad. Took me so long to find a way to watch it though since my TV doesn’t work! I’m so glad there is an app! Totally saved my life and changed my day! Spent hours watching that match! Bro thought I was so weird for watching tennis. Well I do admit it really isn’t something I would do at all but yeah I guess I just wanted to change what I do for a day at least :) Maybe this will motivate me into watching the Tour De France one day, I’ve always wanted to try watching that after watching that bicycle anime! Had a phone interview the other day, totally failed but it was funny when the interviewer was like wow and all interested when I said translating Chinese novels was one of my hobbies. SOUNDS LIKE IT’S A GREAT HOBBY! Haha! It’s one of the only hobbies I’m extremely determined to keep :) so yeah :) I wish my ring on d3 would sell for real money~~~ I wish more legendaries would drop~~~ and I got 59 more levels to go until 80 for my engineer in gw2 :) and and I finally found a guild I’m determined to follow in WvWvW now! Doesn’t have a cool name like Never Die [ND] but still cooler than the other guilds! For now anyway. Trying to find commanders I’m willing to follow to the depths of hell if I had to~ but yeah :) life is wonderful :) but if someone asked me again whether I enjoy life at this moment or not, I still find it hard for me to say yes without feeling like I’m lying but I feel the exact same way when I think about answering no. Let’s just say my answer is I kind of enjoy it. I guess. Lol, goodnight.
I know I haven’t blogged for a long time. I know I haven’t came out of my hole for a long time. And I probably still haven’t. But Colour Conference is coming closer. And so that means uni is coming closer as well. I remember, last year Colour Conference, I was really motivated in serving God. I sang along with everyone. I even jumped along with them hahaha. It was quite interestingly happy, I have to admit. However, I haven’t been to church for a while. Well, a while might be a euphemism. At least half a year. But I continue to tell people that I am not free on Sunday. I know that there is a high chance I won’t go to church on Sunday. But even though I know that, I never tell anyone I am free on Sunday (unless it HAS to be that day, like Animania). I just feel uncomfortable going out on Sunday. It makes me think, if I can wake up for an outing, why can’t I wake up for Church? To be honest, I think that’s one of the reasons I don’t like to wake up early and one of the reasons why I don’t like to sleep early. I mean, if I sleep early, it means I can wake up early right? If I can wake up early, it means I can go to church. And the question is, do I want to go? I think my inner mindset has always been like this. If I wake up late, it gives me the excuse that if I can’t even wake up normally on a week day, why would I possibly wake up on time on Sunday to go to church? The thing is, I know I’m being very indecisive and confused at the moment. I keep leaving my sundays free but I never go to church. It’s a very contradictory act. But I can’t bring myself to actually do something besides going to church on Sunday and be able to do it without feeling guilty. It’s not the thought of my friend always asking me to come to church that makes me feel guilty, this is something I am making myself feel. I’m making myself feel guilty. And I know that whether I stay at home or go out, I’d still feel guilty but I just keep giving myself the excuse that I can’t wake up. I can’t wake up that early that’s why I don’t go to church. I’d rather be labelled a bum. But during the time I haven’t attended church, there hasn’t been a day where I have forgotten about church or God. You know how we have to change our zmail passwords for uni every year? I always keep my one related to God. I haven’t given up on reminding myself of God’s love. The Christian part of me hasn’t given up on me yet. I know that. I can feel it when I look at the first Bible I ever bought for myself. I can feel it when I think about the first cross my sis bought for me when I first became a Christian. I can feel it within myself right now as I type this. I can feel my eyes become watery and I can feel my heart shouting out that I really do care. But I’m not who I once was. I’m losing my courage day by day. I can feel it. I actually feel like I’m going back to my high school days. The early high school days. When I would be scared to walk out by myself. When I would never acknowledge that I feared walking out in the open with others. I can feel it. If I don’t get out of my hole soon, I’m never going to get out of here. But I also find it so hard to do all that. This year is my last year in uni. I can feel the pressure. I can feel the weight. I can feel my heart screaming. I can feel it. It’s saying I don’t want to grow up. I’ll admit it. I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want things to change. I don’t want to mature. I’m such a selfish person. I know I am. I can feel that my biggest fear right now is growing up. It’s not affecting me as much in the short term but in the long term, it’s killing me. It’s not like my heart races faster or anything like when I was going to tell River I liked him. It’s a long term thing. It’s slowly killing me. If I had to compare, it would be like the time of the HSC. In the last year of high school, I was late soo many times, I didn’t even bother counting anymore. I found it harder to face the last year of studies more than anything. To be honest, I really thought about talking to the counsellor in year 12. But I never had the courage to. I’ve never had the courage to tell another person my fears. Or even if I did, they wouldn’t understand. Don’t bash me yet, I really have tried. I think I used to tell God about my worries. I used to tell him many things. I guess I did have more courage when I spoke to God. I was talking to Phil once about religion. He never knew I was actually Christian haha. Well, not many do, I guess. Nah, I don’t know, I don’t scream it around. But he said a line that really got me thinking. He said that people who are religious are more happier right? I couldn’t deny it but I also couldn’t say yes. I’ll admit that when I was more spiritually engaged in my relationship with God, I was happy but I was also troubled at the same time. I was an optimist but I was also a pessimist. I guess the biggest difference between then and now was that I used to openly admit my fears to God. I used to question God openly. I used to ask Him why. Why does this happen? Why is this happening? Why did You do that God? I don’t understand the actions of your followers in the Bible God. Can You explain it to me? I asked a lot of questions haha. I’ll admit that. I always used to read a chapter and then question God about the things I didn’t understand and I felt like I always got my answer after. Or even if I didn’t instantly get it, after some thinking, after some thoughts, after even like I dunno daily things or if I really had to, some research, I would understand it. Now, when you ask me anything about the Bible, I’d probably have forgotten most of it. I’m rather sad about that. I’m sad that I don’t know any verses. But I know that this side of myself is still there. I’m just pushing that side of myself back and away. You know, I think I forgot to mention this but a while ago, when I went to Koorong to buy my first Bible. (I spent HOURS there). I bought the perfect bookmark for myself. It was so perfect. It suited me so well and it still suits me so well to this day that I have to think that God sent me there to get that bookmark that day. I didn’t need to buy anything else but that bookmark and I would have been blessed. This bookmark is right beside me. Every time I read it, I cry a little. I can feel my heart crying when I read it. I can feel my heart aching. It says “Trust in His timing. Rely on His promises. Wait for His answers. Believe in His miracles. Rejoice in His goodness. Relax in His presence.” Simple and straight to the point. I read it once and loved it that instant. I knew I was going to buy this bookmark for sure. But the biggest coincidence ever is the verse under those lines at the bottom. One of the first verses I’ve ever loved enough to be written down and stuck on my bedroom wall was right there. It was a verse that I knew that would always apply to me through the years. No matter where I am, whether I am still close to God or not, I knew that it would help me to do whatever I want to do. “Come near to God and He will come near to you. James 4:8” It’s the only verse that I can say I have never forgotten and will never forget from the Bible. God won’t force me to come back to Him. But he won’t leave me if I come back to Him. He will welcome me with open arms. I’ve always known that and that’s why I’ve always been scared of returning. Do I really deserve this love from You, God? If I had to answer, of course I don’t. I don’t deserve His love at all but God doesn’t think about stuff like that. He doesn’t weigh whether we deserve His love or not. He unconditionally loves us. We don’t need to deserve it. He just loves us and will continue to always love us. It has always made me feel so guilty though haha. But I’m glad I finally typed out these feelings of mine. I’ve kept all these thoughts about church and everything for so long. I feel like a part of my heart is a bit lighter now. I feel like I can once again touch upon God’s love. Phil said he didn’t like Hillsong because it makes money haha. I can’t deny that it probably does make lots of money but I have also seen the passion of many pastors in Hillsong Church that I feel that I can trust and believe in. Why does the presence of money have to make it seem so… dirty? To be honest, I don’t understand. A poor charity cannot survive. We have to be realistic right? Please don’t think that people can really survive without money. No one can survive in this world without money. Unless you really want to be self sustainable and have your own farm and all that but seriously, you’re not going to be able to just get a cow with a rod and a hook and reel one in you know. Why does money have to make us feel a little more distrust in some things? But I’ll admit that there are many things that I hear preached in church that I don’t agree with or understand sometimes. And that’s why God gave us the ability to choose what to believe in ourselves. We’re not machines. God wants us to question the things that are preached. It’s not something that comes across simply and cleanly and all Christians just blindly follow it. We understand it for ourselves, interpret it for ourselves and do what we choose to do from it. And why do things turn complicated when you hear it from a church? I don’t understand why people have to be so skeptical about things that are preached in a church. Well, moreso the people that think it’s brainwashing hahaha. Still find that hilarious. As a Christian that has fallen in and out of church so many times, I can tell you that, even if you don’t agree with the church, even if you don’t agree with the other Christians, the most important thing isn’t that at all, the most important thing is your relationship with God. And that’s why the only thing I have always never ceased is to think about God and sometimes speak to Him. That’s why I really don’t like classifying myself as a Christian sometimes. Because the only difference between me and you is the fact that I believe in God and am in a relationship with Him. And no, please don’t think of relationship in modern day terms. But yeah being called a Christian makes things more simple and easier to understand. But yeah. I think I’ve talked enough. I started at 3:15am. It’s 4:30am already. But I’m glad I talked about this. No matter what happens in the future, I will always know that God is in my heart. I can’t deny it anymore. However, my actions from now on~ Well, I’m someone that rebounds a lot. We shall see what happens. Goodnight :)