Everything began with Your love

Best interests

Wed, 15 May 2013 13:41:22 +1000

I’ve been thinking about this for a while but I was never passionate enough to blog about it until now. But I guess, the whole idea mainly stemmed from a little diary note that I read on my newsfeed on fb a while ago with a girl talking about her crush and how she didn’t want to confess to him on an impulse just because she likes him. She doesn’t want him to be troubled if her love isn’t reciprocated. I guess the main reason why I still remember this is because I felt that I could identify with her feelings. I guess I could empathise with her situation and understand her feelings. One of the reasons I hesitated to confess to River in uni was because I didn’t want to trouble him. I didn’t want him to stress over my one sided feelings for him. I didn’t want him to feel troubled having to face me. So I always tried to act normal in front of him afterwards, since obviously I did confess to him in the end. I guess at that time, I didn’t act with the best interests for him. But I didn’t act in the best interests of myself either. (Not the best anyway) All I wanted to do was have some closure on our relationship and to protect myself from having a continuing unrequited love. I always tried to help him out for anything I could, I always tried to be of some use to him, I always tried to understand him better and I never acted out of place because I never wanted him to have to agonise over my problems. But I guess, in the end, I blew it anyway. My desires overcame myself. Of course I acknowledged that I might have had a chance, but I knew that it was an extremely low chance. I confessed to him because I wanted to. Whether he wanted to hear it… I thought about that a lot. I guess it’s one of the main reasons why I can’t stand watching or reading or hearing about people (mostly manga, I have no love life) that are always pushing their so called love onto the leisure person that they love. If you love them, you wouldn’t do that. That’s what I think anyway. If you loved them, you would want to see them happy. In the end, I guess the most provocative question would be, am I doing this for my own desires without considering their feelings? But I guess sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do as well. There is no right or wrong answer. Love is just too complicated for me. I should sleep instead.

Class

Fri, 10 May 2013 08:43:48 +1000

Sitting outside my class at 8:44am. I see a door with like bars on the inside. Reminds me of those jail windows. And then it makes me think about jigging class later. And you know, I think that the 80% required attendance for classes makes me think about the fact that we can jig the other 20% is like having 2 get out of jail free cards in monopoly. Yeah this is what I think about in the morning. Just a thought though.

Letters

Tue, 07 May 2013 03:55:20 +1000

Letters are so wonderful! I never ever thought I’d really be able to ever send letters to another person for a legitimate reason! But basically, instead of emails, I’ve been communicating with a friend through letters. To be honest, when we stopped emailing each other, I really thought that what River said to me once had come true. I remember at that time I was talking to River in my first year of uni and I was telling him that I was going to reply to a friend’s email before I sleep since we can’t see each other often. And he told me about how he once did that with his friend but they eventually stopped emailing each other. It’s not like they didn’t want to or didn’t like it but I guess it was simply because life became busy and sitting down to reply an email just didn’t fit in to their schedules or whatever or they couldn’t be bothered. I remember at that time, I tried to change his view of emails and I sent him emails occasionally just talking about stupid real life things or just talking about random things. I used to send them on my phone and accidentally send him double emails hahaha! They were fun days. It also reminds me of other things but I like these memories. They were really fun. I would never want to forget them. But back on topic! Eventually, my friend suggested that we communicate through letters. Initially, I really thought she wasn’t serious (even though I really hoped she was) but she ended up asking for my address and so I got really excited! At that time, I kept checking my mailbox just to see whether her letter came. And when it came, I was so happy! Seeing her writing just made me squeal! And opening the letter and reading her words. It’s an indescribable feeling of closeness and love. Much better than emails! I could really feel the thoughts put into it and how she dedicated time to write it. I’ve already fallen in love with writing letters! I can’t wait for her reply though! It’s always so magical opening and reading it! And this, I hope we will never stop. I hope we will continue communicating with our hearts through these letters and that even if physical distance separates us, our hearts are still close. Haha I feel like I’m describing a long distance relationship! It is one though, just not a romantic one. But I’m really really happy that we can still talk like we’re still so close to each other and as if nothing has changed our friendship. I mean, so many friendships that don’t even have this big of a distance problem end due to lost of contact. I guess the biggest problem after all is the willingness from both sides to continue this friendship. I’m glad things are moving yet unchanging at the same time. It really warms my heart whenever I look at the letter that was sent from Canberra. We realise that this method is old fashioned but we cannot deny that this method is much more personal. Letters have good soothing effects :p hahaha! No matter how busy I am, I hope to continue this. That can be a resolution of mine.

Memory loss

Sun, 05 May 2013 05:13:38 +1000

So, I was wondering for a while and am still wondering about the concept of memory loss and the self. My view of the self aka me is that we are socially constructed by society and our social experiences. I don’t believe in stuff like the concept of ‘being born a criminal’. So yeah, it just made me wonder, so if I lost my memories of something like my whole high school life, would I still be the same person? I couldn’t think of an answer. Although essentially, I have to say I wouldn’t be the same person at all. I’d probably wonder why the hell do I like this guy so much!? Why am I such good friends with whoever. If I lost all those memories, I just wouldn’t be the same anymore. But then, does that mean our memories define who we are and what the self is? That doesn’t sound right either. Memories are unreliable after all. But if we can’t remember our social experiences, then what are we? A living shell? I hope I never lose my memories, I hate it when things don’t connect. Not that my thoughts in this post really make sense anyway!

What is a need?

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 03:39:01 +1000

Whether it be others or myself, I believe that we all have an insatiable appetite and thus insatiable desires. There are too many wants in this world that we label as needs. And too many needs that people demean as a want. After reading about the idea of social facts by Emile Durkheim, I just couldn’t help but think that some things may be a want but they can also be a need. You may not personally need it but society thinks that you NEED it and that you SHOULD have it. I remember reading a paragraph that has been stuck to my mind (that’s why I wrote it on my essay too :D) about conformity in society. It’s not necessary for us to go with the fashion in society nor is it necessary for us to conform with a certain group in society but if we don’t, we’d be laughed at and ridiculed. So what is the difference between that actually being a need? We can not conform to our society and use the delegated currency but what will we do in this society if we don’t? In the end, this constraint might not be as forceful as it is when you consider the law but ultimately it IS a constraint. I couldn’t stop highlighting Durkheim’s words in the reading haha. I have always thought that, there is no such thing as a need in this world besides the basic means of survival such as food etc and I still hold to that but I won’t deny that for some, for many, for myself, it is simply impossible to live normally if we don’t consider some things as a need. The collective beliefs of people saying that if you’re unemployed for more than a year, then there’s a problem with you. If you don’t have a uni degree in this day and age, you’re stupid and weird. The thing is, people judge you. And please don’t say things like you shouldn’t care about how others look at you. “Don’t say something that you don’t even believe yourself”. (Come Home Love TVB LOL) But seriously, if we really didn’t care about what others think about us, there wouldn’t be depression in this world, there wouldn’t be suicides. And at the same time, we wouldn’t grow or have expectations. If you’re different from the norm, you’re weird. You either try your best to work against it or conform. And simply, some people just don’t have the strength to work against it, they don’t have the conviction nor the perseverance. I’ll put my hand up first. I’ll admit it, I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t have the power to work against it nor do I really feel the need to work against it sometimes. I mean I’m not going to start a revolution against how the law should work if we’re talking about an extreme example. I mean I’m not necessarily all gungho about everything to do with the law but overall I think it’s a system to stay. And of course, these thoughts of mine have probably just been cultivated within me since I was young so I’m used to it and wouldn’t feel anything wrong with it and that’s why I wouldn’t go against it but oh well. But yeah, besides all that stuff I talked about, of course there is individuality in society. There wouldn’t be so many different people if there wasn’t. I guess it’s the way we interpret things accompanied with our life experiences. It’s like how people react differently to the same situation. It’s like if you were proposed to an aeroplane and if I were proposed to on it as well. You might think it’s nice and cool and everything but for me, frankly, I’m trying my best to just survive on an aeroplane ride. Motion sickness is not something you should underestimate. I’d love you if you just left me alone on an aeroplane ride and didn’t talk to me at all. I’m straying lol. My life. Sigh. Oh and btw, I totally talked about the wrong thing, I originally wanted to talk about something else. Well now… I need to change the title lol. But yeah, I think the biggest problem with what we believe are needs and not wants is how we define the word need itself. We have to conform to society in some way. That’s a need. Probably. Yeah all you can conclude from this is that, I’m liking my readings in uni right now :)

"Leftover"

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 16:51:27 +1100

A prominent theme in Hong Kong TVB these days is the idea of the “leftover women” where the woman is over 30 years old and is not married and does not have a boyfriend. To this, people react as if it’s the end of the world or that it’s hilarious that you’re still single. I found it rather ridiculous. It made me think about this uni confession I read about some person asking if it was weird to have never have had a boyfriend even though she’s 23 or something and one of the top liked comments was telling her to lower her standards and stop being so picky. I remember reading it and thinking fine, there are picky people in this world. Then I looked to myself. I’m not too far off! I’m nearly 21 and I’ve never had a boyfriend either! Hahaha! Am I too picky? I’ve never had that question pass my mind before. Is the problem because I’m picky? To be honest, I’d say it’s because I’m antisocial hahaha. Well that’s not the point right now haha. I also remember someone telling me a few times to get an actual bf because I should have some experience. But I just feel that there’s no point of experiencing a relationship for the point of experience. She said I’d be taken advantage of (nothing sexual, ty) because I have no experience, which may be possible haha. But the thing is, I wonder if I am that picky. My only requirement is for me to like them. I don’t need him to be the best guy around, I don’t need him to be sociable. The only requirement is that I like him. Although I’m probably being unconsciously picky haha. The idea of your boyfriend being your best friend… I wonder if it works when they’re your best friend before being your boyfriend/girlfriend. I think you’ll have to get past that friend zone though and that’s quite hard haha. The only person I’ve fallen in love with after they became my friend was probably River. I used to quite dislike him hahaha! I know I know! How could anyone possibly hate River lol! I guess I just thought he was quite fake in the beginning. I’m sorry River haha! Of course I thought of him differently after we talked to each other haha. Sorry I drifted haha. But I stand firm to what I have believed in all these years. I won’t waver because of loneliness. (Unless something really crazy happens) it isn’t hard for me to like someone I think. Maybe. 3 serious crushes. 12-21. 9 years. Not bad. But yeah back to topic, I admit that of course I’d want someone to be beside me for the rest of my life but I also firmly believe in being with someone I love. Like that question Chevy asked me once. I’d rather be with someone that I love that doesn’t love me but still allows me to be by their side than to be with someone that I don’t love but loves me. I’m sorry I’m selfish! I don’t want to be the one that’s hurting the other and possibly eventually thrown away. I’d rather be the one that’s thrown away. Then I can tell myself that I never gave up and tried my best. I won’t go into a relationship because I need someone to protect and take care of me and never let me cry. That’s a plus. I acknowledge that you’re bound to cry for some things whether you like it or not. I’m thinking too much about Bokura ga ita. I never cheered for Takeuchi even though I thought he was really sweet. He just wasn’t love. He just wasn’t love for her. Love doesn’t need to be anything exciting, because excitement wears out one day. I just need a promise. A vow. That you will try your best to love me as I do. And maybe at that time, if I’m ever left alone, I can somehow, nah who am I kidding, what do I know? But yeah, maybe I’m picky after all HAHAHA! I still think going with the flow is the best. If I can survive 21 years without one, I don’t understand why I can’t survive the rest of my life without one if age apparently doesn’t matter. Who wouldn’t want to survive with one though? :p

Why is it that when you remember happy memories from your past, sometimes it leaves you feeling sad? It's because your past self was able to experience it, but your current self will never be able to... - Shi ni Itaru Yamai

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 16:59:20 +1100

Him

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 03:42:00 +1100

I don’t understand why you’re being so ruthless towards me! Do you hate me now? Do you not give a single —— about me now? Do you think I’m annoying? Can you express it instead of ignoring me? Can you say something? Why are you treating me so coldly? I don’t understand. I really don’t. All I know is that my heart really hurts. And I don’t even know the reason why. Have I just naturally become intolerable to you? Well then, I’m sorry you had to put up with me for all those times we talked! …why are you doing this? I don’t even want to admit that I like you when this is happening. But obviously, I know how frustrated and heartbroken I am over this. I know how sad I am. I know. And it’s only now that I realise how irreplaceable the times we played together in the middle of the night was. I always thought they were memorable and fun but I never thought how exactly important it was to me. I don’t even know what I’m staying up so late for anymore. No matter how much I wait, he doesn’t come online. And when he does, he doesn’t say a single word to me. Nor does he respond. Maybe I really should slap myself in the face and recognise that he just doesn’t care about me. I’m disposable to him.

Inner confusion

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 05:35:10 +1100

I started this post a while ago but i guess I’ll finish it up.
I woke up and saw the broken piece of the bookmark my sister gave me a long time ago that she was going to give to River as a present but didn’t end up giving. And it just made me think about my feelings from last year and the year before for a bit. It just made me think that getting over someone isn’t easy but it isn’t exactly hard either even if it was a rejection. The only reason it feels so hard to get over someone is because we are not willing to get over them. We are not willing to let go of them. We don’t want to give up on them. And I guess after sulking for a year, I felt like I hadn’t exactly gotten over the Peanut during the high school days. I sound like such a fickle person HAHAHA! Maybe I am. I probably am. Just thinking about someone doesn’t show my love for them. If you really do love someone, you would actually do something for them. Well at least those are one of the things I think is different from a like and love. Now that when I think about when qq asked me why I’m not making a move on him, I feel like I can answer why properly. It took me 4 years to realise that I really liked River and that I wanted to tell him that. But I wasn’t really thinking about a relationship. As for the Peanut, I don’t know how much I like him. I don’t know how much I really do. But I do admit that he cheers me up a lot but also pisses me off too! He can be so mean sometimes when it comes to pvp! Overall, he’s…. he’s…. usually nice lol. Hahahaha! He said I was his loyal follower hahahaha! Which I admit I am lol. I follow him in WvWvW. So yeah. And I can’t stop laughing at how he talks to random people. It’s hilarious. Types it all out back to me too :) a loyal follower and a partner in gw2 huh? We shall see how everything goes. Yeah I don’t know how I strayed. Just fun and nice to think about the stupid things, well what he did :) And I think being rejected helps for getting over them. (Omg, 44% battery at 4:44am, that coincidence) But yeah.
Sigh, I’m such a retard. I finally levelled up my engineer to level 80 but not even the Peanut goes on gw2 anymore. Ah, I know now. We changed servers 2 weeks ago so the post above was from then. 2 weeks ago, I still felt very happy being able to spend time with him talking with him. No, actually, more than two weeks, I remember I was laughing at him communicating with someone from ND and asking if they were really changing servers. Then we took at least a week to choose which server to change to. My gosh, I don’t know how long ago this post I forgot to publish is! Oh well, my thoughts haven’t changed. The only reason I’m hurting right now is because I hold hope in getting along with the Peanut. And I don’t want to give up. I know how much I really want to just forget about all this but I also know how persistent and insistent I can be on a person that I have fallen for. Even if we haven’t talked for a while. And a while means like 4 days. That is quite a long time! And it didn’t end well either. And it hasn’t been feeling too well either. I don’t know if he was just pissed off or angry at me. And because of that, I went into this state where I said I don’t care at all however he treats me! I don’t care about him that much! Until I had at least 4 consecutive dreams for these few days with his actions haunting me like they’re freaking nightmares. Didn’t sleep well at all. I need to stop caring. I didn’t dream at all today though. Probably the effects of the Final Fantasy music. It really calmed me down. But yeah. Crushes are annoying. On another note, Valentines day is coming up! And there’s a bouquet of roses you can buy in gw2! I really want it! It’s so pretty! Well I assume it is haha! Except the hilarious thing is…. IT’S ACCOUNT BOUND HAHAHA! So you can’t send it as a gift to people, thus defeating the whole purpose of valentines day. I don’t think about River as much anymore. And even those memories I cherished, they’re still there but I kind of locked it in a chest. The key is hanging there but I know and do not want to open it. Because I know that even just thinking about the fragmented memories used to be hard enough so not thinking about anything is best. To this day, whenever I think about when I confessed to River, my heart still races as if I’m still there at uni looking up at his window. If you asked me whether I have the guts to do the same thing to the Peanut, I wouldn’t know. Probably not. Why? I don’t know. Did I want River more? I don’t know. Did I like River more? Probably. I mean, I used to actually think, “why are you being so cute?” “Why do you have to care about me so much?” “Why are you doing that and getting my hopes up?” There were too many questions haha. And for a moment in time, I really thought we were on the same wavelength. I really thought it was possible. Funny thing was I didn’t think the same thing in the second semester of uni. I guess timing is a really important factor in love. I mean, catching the bus and walking with him along the way to class was one of the things I loved to do every Tuesday. It was always the only lecture I attended without fail. Why am I reminiscing about him!? LOL I guess the best way to get over someone is to not think about them and let time pass. Or think about someone else. You know, after talking to Crystal, I can’t help but wonder if I actually have an obsession with Peanut instead of love/like. But then I thought, what is there to obsess over Peanut? LOL he’s the complete opposite of River. Not gentle at all. Well, maybe sometimes. Only sometimes recently. He’s been rather cold lately. He… sigh, comparing them is bad for my health. Memories are…. too powerful. I give up. I’m just going to drown myself in something. You know what? I have another thought and perception about all this. But, I don’t think I want to disclose that possibility to others yet. Because I don’t want it to be true. Even though, it’s highly likely. I don’t want it to be true though. It would be too cruel to myself. I’d rather be in denial. I’d rather have… no maybe this resulted in my possible obsession. Nah, I’ve had enough of myself. I’ll think about it. Sleep on it. And maybe face it if it’s true.

olympics 2012 opening ceremony millions were impressed. Queen...

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 00:31:07 +1100

*olympics 2012 opening ceremony*

millions were impressed.

Queen elizabeth II was not impressed. « THAT COMMENT LOLSSS

so relevant to this HAHAHAHA

Final Fantasy Music

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 19:37:08 +1100

The only music that can keep me sane these days would have to be Final Fantasy music. The other songs I used to listen to just don’t cut it anymore. And what is even more saddening is that even church songs just don’t make me feel the same anymore. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that tears come to my eyes just hearing this music again. Not exaggerating at all when my heart melts hearing them. The first time I heard ‘To Zanarkand’ at Distant Worlds, I really did cry T___T Even when I was playing the game, ‘To Zanarkand’ was the one that appealed to me most. You know how you can buy those music spheres in FFX-2? I never thought it was dumb to buy those. I used to get the whole collection and just play them in that hall and check them out! It was really cool! Can’t say much about the gameplay of that one though. Those memories. Felt very girly, which was one of the reasons I hated it LOL.

But I’m listening and downloading the music right now and I can’t help but reminisce about..everything. Everything was so final fantasy-like until FFX-2. And you gotta love the comments from some people on youtube LOL. You know, when I bought the Distant Worlds CDs, I really thought Suteki Da Ne would be in Japanese. Like, it’s not that it sounded bad in English but it just had a completely different feeling. I really didn’t like it. And I refused to accept it. I don’t need or want things to be translated or sung in English. It just means I’m not experiencing the same feeling. Ah, I know why I’m missing music on my phone, getting songs from the wrong computer.. haha. But Suteki Da Ne feels so much like the song in Thousand Arms. Nah, I’m probably just too fond of the old days. To be honest, if you asked me to choose between my PS or PS3, I’d throw that PS3 in a corner in the blink of an eye. I would not want to give up on FFVII, FFVIII or even FFIX for the games nowadays. It’s like the movies these days, one disappointment after another. Or maybe I just don’t like movies, I won’t deny that.

Ar Tonelico 3 was such a disappointment though. I seriously wanted to cry when I played the beginning, I couldn’t even continue it. What was with the fan service? FARRR! I was so pissed off.

The Disgaea series. The first one is always the best, that is indisputable. 2, 3 and 4 were fine. They had their funny moments and everything. I wouldn’t mind playing them again. Prinny dood! HAHAHHAHAHAA! AHHH MY GOSH <3 CUTEST THINGS EVER. Gotta admit that they’re so much more adorable than the quaggans in gw2. You know what I just realised? I HAVEN’T FINISHED PLAYING FFX HAHAHAA! OMG! I DON’T REMEMBER SEEING THE ENDING. ZOMG. I’m so disappointed in myself! I got so consumed by trying to get their weapons and then losing motivation that I totally forgot I haven’t even finished the game LOL. This retard…… T_T

What other games do I miss? Thousand Arms, but I played that like last year so I still remember it quite well. Ahh, taking girls out on dates HAHAHAHA. Loved that aspect of the game. It’s so funny and saddening when she slaps you though LOLS. My bro used to ask me which option he should choose and I always chose the wrong one……. LOL. I swear I’m really a girl! Their mini games were so fun too! Gameplay was really unique. Didn’t mind it at all.

Talking about unique gameplay, The Legend of Dragoons was amazing. I loved that one! It’s so satisfying when you can pull of their moves. Especially Albert! And it’s so amazing how Lavitz’s version was slower and Albert’s one was actually faster. Those little discrepancies really made it for me. It was saddening that Shana had nothing though……. Always loved Shana. Always held a grudge on Miranda for replacing her LOLS. Yes, I was such a kid.

Chrono Cross was really nice too. I loved the story and the vast amount of different characters to choose from! I really liked Harle, I really wanted her to be in my team T_T. But man, the world and everything in Chrono Cross was beautiful. And omg! It was so cool that when you finish the game once, you can fast forward hahaha! That was hilarious. Useful though.

Okay, okay, back to music. I would never want to lose my sense of hearing. Been listening for hours. The music relating to Aeris has always been my favourite. I have to admit that. Don’t tell me to pick between Aeris/Tifa/Yuffie though, breaks my heart T_T But I have to admit, when Aeris died, I cried. Like seriously cried as if my heart was broken. The tears streamed down and I just wanted to kill that boss asap. Whenever I play FFVII again, I always dread that scene. I always dread having to see her die. I never wanted that to happen. One of the comments said that they feel sorry for the people that didn’t get to play this game during its prime. I have to agree with that. If I were to see the graphics of it today, I’d probably skip it. I’m so glad I have brothers! I’m so glad that they loved Final Fantasy as well. Without them, I would never have been able to listen to all this! I hope I never get bored or sick of this music. I hope I never get sick of Nobuo Uematsu’s music!

Thing is, years ago, I watched Guin Saga and listened to the OST, think it was the OST. And I was instantly hooked. But boy, was I surprised when I found out who composed it! Nobuo Uematsu! Instantly thought ‘should have known’, how could I not get hooked? I think I’ll be looking forward to listening to my playlist tmr :) on the train~ :D don’t think anything could ruin it for me! Even if it rains. Although, I have to admit that I’d either be smiling in the rain like a retard or… I don’t know. I’m more accustomed to my idiotic ways where yeah, I just smile because Final Fantasy is playing LOL. But the comments show that I am not the only weirdo in this world so that is wonderful~ Not that I really care if I was~ Oh and I so agree with the comment that “Those Chosen by the Planet” is Sephiroth’s theme. The moment I heard it, how could you not perceive it as his theme? IT TOTALLY IS. To be honest, I don’t even like One Winged Angel that much. I SAID IT LOL. Don’t kill me. HAHA.

Cid’s theme is playing and the highest rated comment is “If i was and astronaut and were to go in space one day, i would request NASA to play this song before lift off.” +1ed right there. Love Cid <3 Chocobo racing! My gosh! If only chocobos existed. I would totally ride the blue one. Just because it’s so cute and can get over like shallow seas. Don’t need a flashy gold one~~~ I remember I used to always cheer for my bro’s chocobo on the sidelines. And when the black chocobo was in the race, we knew we would be up for a challenge! :DD

The planet is dying. Whether that be in the FFVII world or another final fantasy world or even our own, that is what we are all going through. The world is dying and we’re not helping at all. We are after all, the ones killing it. Phil said something like that to me the other day. It was so sudden, I didn’t really know how to react, I mean, it’s not something we would like to think about. The planet is crying. When I hear this music and when I hear rain, I tend to think about that. FFVII music just gives you too many feels </3

Omg! On one of them! I found someone who feels exactly like me! The nostalgia of spending hours watching your brothers play this game. I really miss those days.

Oh no, what an amazingly long post. LMAO. I’ll end it now. Happy CNY guys~ I’ll leave my FF music admiration to myself LOLS

Inbound Troubles

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 04:38:00 +1100

王葾之的歌声太漂亮了。她首歌”我真的受伤了”搞到我心都碎了。you know, I always thought that as long as two people were in love, no matter how many changes they go through, they would still be able to last. But maybe I was wrong. Change and adaptations to these changes can be horrifying. It’s so saddening though. That you could experience and go through one part of your life with someone yet you weren’t able to get through another part of it together. To be honest, I’m scared of how people will change. I’m also scared of how I will change. But it’s impossible for us to stay like this. When did we start talking less? When did we stop talking on a whole? When did this happen? For a relationship or friendship to last, loving them is not enough. If we don’t show it, if we don’t communicate and if we don’t click, it just won’t work. I believe that you can be friends with many people but sometimes when two personalities don’t click, it just doesn’t work. A forced relationship is useless. That’s why you can try to be friends with everyone in this world but you can’t be friends with everyone. I guess my relationship with River was like that. Every time I talked to him, even though I knew I really liked him, the reason I doubted whether I liked him or not was because I never started a conversation with him naturally. I never started a conversation with him without having the purpose of ‘I just want to say something to the person I like’. I guess it was natural but forced :) Oh btw I let my guard down today and died in hardcore, it was depressing. First thing I thought of when I died was that I wouldn’t be able to play with the Peanut anymore but I think it’s better this way. I need to control myself. I need to control myself! The other day, I was sulking. Sulking for hours man and so I just felt like texting the Peanut. I had no excuse to but I had an urge to. So I just threw away all my fears and texted him. His answers were so predictable hahaha! I knew exactly what he would reply to me with. I even imitated him and showed him that I knew what he was going to text back hahaha. It was such a Peanut response but it made me happy that he spent some of his time texting me back. I was very surprised when he texted me like ten minutes later actually asking a question though! Such a un-Peanut-like thing to do. But yeah, although I was happy, I was scared that I was going down the same path. It’s going to end like how it did with River. I can feel myself constantly thinking that. I can feel myself thinking it won’t end well. Probably won’t. Probably won’t at all. I was reading about star signs and stuff on tumblr the whole night yesterday and it said something about Cancers being very emotional, sentimental and all that. Basically it described me so well, I couldn’t stop reading. Even though I know how complicated I am and what I should do to help myself even a little bit, I won’t. I’ve walled off myself. My head hurts. I don’t want to think about this right now. My sleeping n pattern is getting worse. I’ve tried sleeping at 3 so many times only to stay awake until 5. Then have horrible dreams I can’t remember, wake up super late and then fell crappy. Rinse and repeat. The only part of the day I truly enjoy is when I’m translating. And the only part of the day that can help me not think about anything is through games. Although now I have a Peanut to think about sigh. Okay, head really hurts, goodnight.

The Legend of Sun Knight V6 C9

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 15:40:19 +1100

I really chose the worst chapter to translate. It’s the most heartbreaking chapter for me. I really didn’t want to read it again but I really do love her story. I really really did wish that she could be together with Sun. I really wanted them to. I really didn’t want her to die. Even until the end of this novel, I really hoped that she could somehow come back just because I really loved their story. I wouldn’t have approved of anyone else to be the one next to the Sun Knight. But sadly, that dream was never fulfilled and probably won’t be fulfilled, I’ll just continue to translate this chapter with watery eyes. It’s too saddening. I really didn’t want this chapter to happen. I wanted her to live. It’s unfair. I don’t want to believe that her death was necessary. Their story was really cute though. I find myself smiling with tears in my eyes. I really should read more of Yu Wo’s novels. They’re really wonderful. But yeah, I’m already going all teary! It’s only the second page T_T never going to finish translating this! Still need to do Eclipse Hunter~ T_T it’s back to those days again~~

Continuing question

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 04:05:10 +1100

There has been this question on my mind, well it’s been in my heart for quite a while so yeah… was playing d3 the other day with Ed farming legendaries and Phil went to shower so it was just us and somehow it got to the topic in which he said that men are weak when they fall in love. Like I laughed it off and joked about it and everything but I’ve always wondered like nothing gender specific but do men/women become weak when they fall in love? Or can we deduce that when you fall in love you actually become stronger because there is something you actually want to protect and that there is actually something up look forward to? You know those undying concepts where in the past that person was a cold hearted assassin and killed anyone and everyone without blinking an eye until they meet some random and fall in love or have their first friendship, then dun dun dun! The rival that always wanted your name of being the most first rate assassin comes and finds him and starts a fight with them and then the guy doesn’t really want to fight because they want to give up that way of life and when they eventually are forced into fighting, the rival says that he has become weak because of his useless emotions. Whether it be love or friendship or whatever. And that’s a long example short from all those manga I’ve read over the years. So yeah at that point it just makes me think, do people really become weaker when they fall in love? Like just ignore the dramatic combat etc but is it really true that they become weaker or stronger? I guess in a sense, you could assume that they become weaker because they are controlled by their emotions a lot more and the other party’s emotions also affect yours. In the example of the person you love or best friend is captured as a hostage by the bad guy, obviously you would get angry but if those bonds never existed in the first place then nothing would affect your emotions. But in the end, it’s quite impossible to be emotionless unless you just preserve no more hope in this world and just don’t care about anything at all, especially yourself. That’s another thing to think about for another day though so yeah. It just made me think does one become stronger when they recognise that they have nothing to lose or does one get stronger when they recognise that they have something they want to protect with their lives? Or probably they both become stronger but which one would be stronger I wonder~ Love is quite a manipulative emotion huh? Manipulates people quite easily~ very fascinating I would admit. Well considering I’m not one with any experience for anything I’m thinking about, all I can do is speculate! Sigh. I should contemplate why it’s so hard for me to sleep before 4 and solve that problem instead. But oh well that’s not interesting at all! Oh btw, was taking to Phil the other day about the name Djokovic and how it sounded cooler than Murray and so I was rooting more for him. I mean you can’t blame me! I don’t know anything about tennis, second time actually watching! And as I was watching it, Djokovic was quite interesting so yeah! But anyways, was talking about the surname and he was like “women….” to me, probably with a smh in his mind too! Lmao. Just thought it was funny HAHAHA. Probably also because I’ve never really thought about gender wise things when it concerns playing games or when we talk on Skype since I’m usually the only girl anyway so it’s hard to think about being a girl. Oh wait, I still do, I remember I was checking out Phil’s character on gw2 and I forgot what I was looking at, like her stockings or whole body (sounds wrong, she had clothes..) but yeah anyways, he called me a pervert T^T but I said it’s okay since I’m a girl. Swear it is. And I swear I’m not a pervert. Or I could be. LOL or maybe all people in general are perverts but we’re just different in how much we can control it. I mean in manga, the guy who blushes and openly admits that he wants to touch the girl gets much more points than the guy who attacks her like an animal at every chance he gets. Don’t ask me what I read, romance ftw! But yeah. Unless you like them aggressive then that’s another story entirely. Ahhh I’ll stop, otherwise I’ll never sleep! Oh btw started playing Path of Exile, it has quite a d2 feel to it. Bit hard, bit easy. Phil tanks though lol as always… whatever game it is, he tanks hahaha! I’m sorry. Never tanked in my life, not used to surviving. But yeah hardcore mode! ♥ wish me luck that I don’t die~ a level 79 guy died today, it was saddening. The global chat was epic though, 75% RIP 15% calling him noob or laughing. People these days~ well you get your character thrown into softcore if you die so it’s fine I guess. But yeah hardcore makes everything more interesting! Anyway, been typing this for an hour on my phone! 5 already -.- Goodnight idiot. Really need to stop blabbing.

Music keeps you sane

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 04:06:28 +1100

I laughed at Phil when he first said that until I realised how true it was and how much he meant it. I may not be listening to any trendy songs or pop songs or whatever anymore but I find FFVII game music to really save me and soothe my heart. I can listen to it however many times and still feel the same emotions as when I first heard it. It just feels so powerful. Especially the ones like Aeris’ theme and ahead on our way. And with the music in Clannad as well… It makes my playlist hahaha :) but yeah listening to them calms me down quite well. I used to always listen to Hillsong in the past. I would always listen to it and it would calm me down no matter what situation I was in. No matter how panicky I may have been, listening to the songs just made me more confident and energised :) but yeah xD Oh yeah! For the first time in my life today, I sat down and watched a tennis game. I watched the women’s finals. It was so funny hearing some guy in the audience screaming “LI NA CHINA LOVES YOU!” in Chinese lol. Very amusing. Li Na’s high volleys (?) were so cool though! Too bad she lost! And those shots across the court barely making the line were very awesome too. Azarenka just seemed like a very stable and effective player in that not as risky style. She seemed to play things quite safe. Or maybe I wasn’t really watching her lol. I just thought the way Li Na played was more interesting even though I did believe that Azarenka was going to win. But yeah! First time watching tennis! Not bad not bad. Took me so long to find a way to watch it though since my TV doesn’t work! I’m so glad there is an app! Totally saved my life and changed my day! Spent hours watching that match! Bro thought I was so weird for watching tennis. Well I do admit it really isn’t something I would do at all but yeah I guess I just wanted to change what I do for a day at least :) Maybe this will motivate me into watching the Tour De France one day, I’ve always wanted to try watching that after watching that bicycle anime! Had a phone interview the other day, totally failed but it was funny when the interviewer was like wow and all interested when I said translating Chinese novels was one of my hobbies. SOUNDS LIKE IT’S A GREAT HOBBY! Haha! It’s one of the only hobbies I’m extremely determined to keep :) so yeah :) I wish my ring on d3 would sell for real money~~~ I wish more legendaries would drop~~~ and I got 59 more levels to go until 80 for my engineer in gw2 :) and and I finally found a guild I’m determined to follow in WvWvW now! Doesn’t have a cool name like Never Die [ND] but still cooler than the other guilds! For now anyway. Trying to find commanders I’m willing to follow to the depths of hell if I had to~ but yeah :) life is wonderful :) but if someone asked me again whether I enjoy life at this moment or not, I still find it hard for me to say yes without feeling like I’m lying but I feel the exact same way when I think about answering no. Let’s just say my answer is I kind of enjoy it. I guess. Lol, goodnight.

The arrival of Colour

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 04:33:00 +1100

I know I haven’t blogged for a long time. I know I haven’t came out of my hole for a long time. And I probably still haven’t. But Colour Conference is coming closer. And so that means uni is coming closer as well. I remember, last year Colour Conference, I was really motivated in serving God. I sang along with everyone. I even jumped along with them hahaha. It was quite interestingly happy, I have to admit. However, I haven’t been to church for a while. Well, a while might be a euphemism. At least half a year. But I continue to tell people that I am not free on Sunday. I know that there is a high chance I won’t go to church on Sunday. But even though I know that, I never tell anyone I am free on Sunday (unless it HAS to be that day, like Animania). I just feel uncomfortable going out on Sunday. It makes me think, if I can wake up for an outing, why can’t I wake up for Church? To be honest, I think that’s one of the reasons I don’t like to wake up early and one of the reasons why I don’t like to sleep early. I mean, if I sleep early, it means I can wake up early right? If I can wake up early, it means I can go to church. And the question is, do I want to go? I think my inner mindset has always been like this. If I wake up late, it gives me the excuse that if I can’t even wake up normally on a week day, why would I possibly wake up on time on Sunday to go to church? The thing is, I know I’m being very indecisive and confused at the moment. I keep leaving my sundays free but I never go to church. It’s a very contradictory act. But I can’t bring myself to actually do something besides going to church on Sunday and be able to do it without feeling guilty. It’s not the thought of my friend always asking me to come to church that makes me feel guilty, this is something I am making myself feel. I’m making myself feel guilty. And I know that whether I stay at home or go out, I’d still feel guilty but I just keep giving myself the excuse that I can’t wake up. I can’t wake up that early that’s why I don’t go to church. I’d rather be labelled a bum. But during the time I haven’t attended church, there hasn’t been a day where I have forgotten about church or God. You know how we have to change our zmail passwords for uni every year? I always keep my one related to God. I haven’t given up on reminding myself of God’s love. The Christian part of me hasn’t given up on me yet. I know that. I can feel it when I look at the first Bible I ever bought for myself. I can feel it when I think about the first cross my sis bought for me when I first became a Christian. I can feel it within myself right now as I type this. I can feel my eyes become watery and I can feel my heart shouting out that I really do care. But I’m not who I once was. I’m losing my courage day by day. I can feel it. I actually feel like I’m going back to my high school days. The early high school days. When I would be scared to walk out by myself. When I would never acknowledge that I feared walking out in the open with others. I can feel it. If I don’t get out of my hole soon, I’m never going to get out of here. But I also find it so hard to do all that. This year is my last year in uni. I can feel the pressure. I can feel the weight. I can feel my heart screaming. I can feel it. It’s saying I don’t want to grow up. I’ll admit it. I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want things to change. I don’t want to mature. I’m such a selfish person. I know I am. I can feel that my biggest fear right now is growing up. It’s not affecting me as much in the short term but in the long term, it’s killing me. It’s not like my heart races faster or anything like when I was going to tell River I liked him. It’s a long term thing. It’s slowly killing me. If I had to compare, it would be like the time of the HSC. In the last year of high school, I was late soo many times, I didn’t even bother counting anymore. I found it harder to face the last year of studies more than anything. To be honest, I really thought about talking to the counsellor in year 12. But I never had the courage to. I’ve never had the courage to tell another person my fears. Or even if I did, they wouldn’t understand. Don’t bash me yet, I really have tried. I think I used to tell God about my worries. I used to tell him many things. I guess I did have more courage when I spoke to God. I was talking to Phil once about religion. He never knew I was actually Christian haha. Well, not many do, I guess. Nah, I don’t know, I don’t scream it around. But he said a line that really got me thinking. He said that people who are religious are more happier right? I couldn’t deny it but I also couldn’t say yes. I’ll admit that when I was more spiritually engaged in my relationship with God, I was happy but I was also troubled at the same time. I was an optimist but I was also a pessimist. I guess the biggest difference between then and now was that I used to openly admit my fears to God. I used to question God openly. I used to ask Him why. Why does this happen? Why is this happening? Why did You do that God? I don’t understand the actions of your followers in the Bible God. Can You explain it to me? I asked a lot of questions haha. I’ll admit that. I always used to read a chapter and then question God about the things I didn’t understand and I felt like I always got my answer after. Or even if I didn’t instantly get it, after some thinking, after some thoughts, after even like I dunno daily things or if I really had to, some research, I would understand it. Now, when you ask me anything about the Bible, I’d probably have forgotten most of it. I’m rather sad about that. I’m sad that I don’t know any verses. But I know that this side of myself is still there. I’m just pushing that side of myself back and away. You know, I think I forgot to mention this but a while ago, when I went to Koorong to buy my first Bible. (I spent HOURS there). I bought the perfect bookmark for myself. It was so perfect. It suited me so well and it still suits me so well to this day that I have to think that God sent me there to get that bookmark that day. I didn’t need to buy anything else but that bookmark and I would have been blessed. This bookmark is right beside me. Every time I read it, I cry a little. I can feel my heart crying when I read it. I can feel my heart aching. It says “Trust in His timing. Rely on His promises. Wait for His answers. Believe in His miracles. Rejoice in His goodness. Relax in His presence.” Simple and straight to the point. I read it once and loved it that instant. I knew I was going to buy this bookmark for sure. But the biggest coincidence ever is the verse under those lines at the bottom. One of the first verses I’ve ever loved enough to be written down and stuck on my bedroom wall was right there. It was a verse that I knew that would always apply to me through the years. No matter where I am, whether I am still close to God or not, I knew that it would help me to do whatever I want to do. “Come near to God and He will come near to you. James 4:8” It’s the only verse that I can say I have never forgotten and will never forget from the Bible. God won’t force me to come back to Him. But he won’t leave me if I come back to Him. He will welcome me with open arms. I’ve always known that and that’s why I’ve always been scared of returning. Do I really deserve this love from You, God? If I had to answer, of course I don’t. I don’t deserve His love at all but God doesn’t think about stuff like that. He doesn’t weigh whether we deserve His love or not. He unconditionally loves us. We don’t need to deserve it. He just loves us and will continue to always love us. It has always made me feel so guilty though haha. But I’m glad I finally typed out these feelings of mine. I’ve kept all these thoughts about church and everything for so long. I feel like a part of my heart is a bit lighter now. I feel like I can once again touch upon God’s love. Phil said he didn’t like Hillsong because it makes money haha. I can’t deny that it probably does make lots of money but I have also seen the passion of many pastors in Hillsong Church that I feel that I can trust and believe in. Why does the presence of money have to make it seem so… dirty? To be honest, I don’t understand. A poor charity cannot survive. We have to be realistic right? Please don’t think that people can really survive without money. No one can survive in this world without money. Unless you really want to be self sustainable and have your own farm and all that but seriously, you’re not going to be able to just get a cow with a rod and a hook and reel one in you know. Why does money have to make us feel a little more distrust in some things? But I’ll admit that there are many things that I hear preached in church that I don’t agree with or understand sometimes. And that’s why God gave us the ability to choose what to believe in ourselves. We’re not machines. God wants us to question the things that are preached. It’s not something that comes across simply and cleanly and all Christians just blindly follow it. We understand it for ourselves, interpret it for ourselves and do what we choose to do from it. And why do things turn complicated when you hear it from a church? I don’t understand why people have to be so skeptical about things that are preached in a church. Well, moreso the people that think it’s brainwashing hahaha. Still find that hilarious. As a Christian that has fallen in and out of church so many times, I can tell you that, even if you don’t agree with the church, even if you don’t agree with the other Christians, the most important thing isn’t that at all, the most important thing is your relationship with God. And that’s why the only thing I have always never ceased is to think about God and sometimes speak to Him. That’s why I really don’t like classifying myself as a Christian sometimes. Because the only difference between me and you is the fact that I believe in God and am in a relationship with Him. And no, please don’t think of relationship in modern day terms. But yeah being called a Christian makes things more simple and easier to understand. But yeah. I think I’ve talked enough. I started at 3:15am. It’s 4:30am already. But I’m glad I talked about this. No matter what happens in the future, I will always know that God is in my heart. I can’t deny it anymore. However, my actions from now on~ Well, I’m someone that rebounds a lot. We shall see what happens. Goodnight :)

psych-quotes: Have you ever met someone and you were just like...

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 03:38:09 +1100

psych-quotes:

Have you ever met someone and you were just like immediately attracted to them not even in a sexual way there was just something about them that you were drawn to and you really wanted to tell them and get to know them better but you knew they wouldn’t feel the same way so you just obsessed over them from afar. - Unknown

I always thought I was weird! Kind of feels like when I first met the Peanut. No, I don’t really remember how we first met but I do remember noticing him in year 7. I remember being attracted to him for some reason that I could never decipher. Even now, I still don’t understand what kind of feelings they were. It was just….. Just that amongst everyone else, he was always the one I noticed. Reading this, I feel like I’m actually not that weird! Hahaha! Well, hopefully I’m not lol.

Expectations

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 05:12:11 +1100

I think, no I’m really sure that the reason I haven’t played games like Dota is because I find that I cannot and will not meet other peoples expectations. I lack the confidence and get consumed by my own weakness towards it. I have always played games solo and I have to admit that I still feel much more comfortable like that. My actions determine my own fate. Not anyone else. That’s why I find it so difficult to play with others. I don’t know how to support them and I don’t know how to make myself more useful in a team. To be honest, that’s one of the reasons why I hate dungeons. There are a limit of five spots, what makes me think I am better than someone else in that spot? What makes me think that I am fine? I can feel their expectations for me and I can feel my fear building up. I know that I’m very silly to be thinking like this. If they really didn’t want me, they wouldn’t tell me to come along. Unless it has become an obligation now… I’m losing my confidence these days. I know what is troubling me and making me feel even more useless and unneeded but I don’t know how to help myself. I get so scared voicing out my thoughts. And thus my insecurities affect my performance as a character in game and as a person in real life. I’m sorry Crystal! If you read this hahaha. I’m sorry. I keep teasing you about him in order to convince myself everything would be fine even if what I think is true. I just can’t be honest with myself. I’m always so noob in whatever we do LOL SIGH!! Those jump puzzles! TAKE ME YEARS LOL and dungeons… keep dying! Haha!

After I finished reading 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami, I realised that the one line I can’t get out of my...

Mon, 17 Dec 2012 04:38:00 +1100

After I finished reading 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami, I realised that the one line I can’t get out of my head was “If you can’t understand it without an explanation, then you won’t understand it with an explanation”. I don’t remember the exact line but it was something like that. But I have to admit, I like that mentality! And I think it’s pretty true! Well, I think the Peanut has that kind of mentality. There were times he said some things and I was like what and he totally ignores me! Then I realise what he means later and then he’s like that took you ages or something! Yeah… or maybe he just doesn’t explain when it’s a hassle as well! But yeah. Thinking of that mentality, I quite like it. But only to a certain extent of course. But then again maybe not haha. I mean if they don’t understand it, then no matter how much I explain it, they still won’t. It sounds like when my sister tried to teach me Math and I just didn’t get it. Hahaha! She explained it to me so many times, I just couldn’t understand it. I think I usually don’t understand anything unless I can solve or decrypt it myself. Like, it has to make sense with the logic in my mind haha. But yeah, to me, I think if I can’t understand it myself then even if you explained it to me a million times, I still wouldn’t get it. Or something like that!

The Confidant

Sat, 08 Dec 2012 20:06:13 +1100

I felt that the story of the princess and eunuch guy is such a saddening yet realistic example of life. It isn’t only something that would apply during those times. I guess it’s not that the princess is heartless or forgetful or anything, I just think she was too young and also that she had already accepted her fate. It’s just that she chose to let go in order to achieve her happiness and he chose to keep her in memory as his means of happiness in this kingdom filled with many people living in solitude. Keeping her in his heart was his form of happiness. But it was happiness only because he felt and knew, well thought that alike him, she would love him forever and that was another reason for him to continue living. Knowing that even if you are separated from each other yet possessing the same feelings, that hope for living, how could you not cherish and live your life to the fullest? Yet in the end, she told him that she really did love her husband. And that their relationship had long since ended when he told her to leave and marry a real man. I just feel so sorry for him. He could and would do anything for her but she didn’t reciprocate his feelings. Love is such a timing thing huh? You have to take action at the right time, otherwise all that we can say and think afterwards is that we 有缘没份. Forgot how to type it XD It’s just so saddening that there is no such thing as loving one person forever. An eternal love. Feelings change and people move on. Nothing in this world stands still. Time will continue to move and people will continue to change along with it. There’s no such thing as an eternity that will always remain the same forever. Are people just fickle beings? Or is this normal? Are we merely living by the rules of our society and time? Or is it just naive and idiotic to think that love can pass the test of time? Is the amount of time the problem? Or are there too many temptations in this world? Or could it be that people just cannot stand the loneliness of this world? I wonder how my world will be like in the future… Will I still believe in a love that can last through decades? Hmm, I probably will until someone shoves reality in my face. Maybe. Sigh. The life of eunuchs in this drama are so horrible. Whether it be their life and rank or love, nothing works out nicely. Not that things in reality run smoothly either. Love is so difficult to understand yet so easy to feel within our hearts. I wonder why is that?